chapter 8

Chapter 30

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"How's your body? Are you done eating?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to go to the garden?"

"Sure."

He nodded, leading the way and opening the large doors. The hospital's unwanted scent eventually faded as they inhaled the fresh air and felt the warm breeze passing by their skin. Aster sighed, nervousness taking over him again. They sat down on the bench as the green, trimmed grass tickled the exposed part of their feet.

This is it, I need to say it now.

"You're leaving, huh?"

He cleared his throat. "So you heard it."

It wasn't a question, and the emptiness laced in her honey-like voice made his stomach churn.

"Why?"

He had been waiting for her to ask that, but his words seemed to get stuck on his throat.

He's afraid. He's afraid of the consequences, the changes, the turn of events, love, everything.

"Because..." He closed his eyes, feeling the wind hug his body as if it's telling him that it's okay to let it out. It's okay to be honest to himself, even for once.

"I want to go back to her. I want to see her so bad."

"Aster..."

"I know it may be inconsiderate for you, and you're aware of my fear. I don't understand myself either, Xy. I'm not even sure if this is the right thing to do, but I simply can't stay idle."

"Did you love me?"

He looked to the right, wanting to reach out and wipe the tears that fell from her eyes. She's still hurting. Two years passed and she couldn't even reach the love of her life.

"Did you even love me, Aster?"

"Believe me, I did," he caressed her hair, scooting closer to hold her hand. "Not a day went by without me feeling grateful for meeting someone amazing like you. You taught me a lot of things worth fighting for, and love is one of them. I can proudly say that I am willing to fight my fear and embrace its warmth," he stared at her face, apologizing in his head for the words he was about to say.

"But it's not for you anymore."

She let out a whimper. Aster pulled her in and let her cry in his arms as he kissed her hair, not saying another word. They stayed in that position until he heard her cries no more. Xyrill let go of her grasp on her wet shirt, wiping her face and chuckling.

"You never told me about your feelings for me when we were still in a relationship, and now that I heard it, I don't know if I should be happy or not."

He stayed silent so she continued.

"Sometimes I wonder, what if you didn't run away two years ago? would that fear still disappear? What if I had loved you more, would I still be able to call you Baby? What if I was enough," She looked up to the sky, admiring the cirrus clouds blocking the vast, blue abyss above.

"Would you have chosen to stay? Would you have learned to love me without fear of what tomorrow will bring because of the reassurance that I'll be there with you?"

"No." He copied her action, looking above and admiring the flying birds. "You showed me what love feels like, but Megan taught me how to overcome that fear."

He exhaled as he faced her again, taking in her mess. "I loved you, Xyrill. You're one of the best things that ever appeared in my dimly lit life."

She choked back another sob. "I love you. I always will. Today, tomorrow, heck, perpetually."

She sniffled, wiping another tear and facing him as well. For the first time in a while, Aster saw the raw emotion in her eyes. Her yes that was once filled with happiness and determination, now replaced with like that of a shattered mirror, broken and beautiful. Aster held her hand, kissing its back, his lips lingering for a little too long.

"Xyrill, I'm sorry," he whispered.

"There's no need for that, you can't control what your heart wants. It's hard, yes, but I don't have the right nor power to change what you're feeling." She took her hand back, standing up and going back inside.

Alas, he found himself alone again, wandering in his own train of thoughts like a mad man.

She's broken, but I'm no less different.

He finally said it after two years. The burden became lighter now, he can breathe without a hitch. The pain still stayed, but he feels so much better.

"Hijo."

He opened his eyes, only to meet his mother's smiling ones. In her hand is his camera, tucked neatly inside its case.

"You called me for this, right?"

"Ma." He stood up and received the black object, staring at it and sighing. "This is part of letting go, I guess."

Linda nodded. "Whatever floats your boat."

Subconsciously, a smile appeared on his face for a mere second before it disappeared.

"Baking isn't that bad! Come on, we have been doing this for three months already."

She groaned, puffing her cheeks out at the sight of the apron held out in front of her.

"No!"

"I will treat you that cookie dough ice cream you wanted so bad."

Megan pouted, nodding after his proposal. "Be thankful it's your birthday today, you little piece of poop!"

"Fine, I'll take that."

"Whatever floats your boat, Cheeto."

He shook his head, clearing his thoughts and bidding his goodbyes to his mother who would not stop reminding him to have at least eight hours of sleep and three meals a day.

"Yes and yes."

"And if you have something bothering that brilliant mind of yours," Linda reached over to ruffle his curly hair. "Call me. Is that clear, young man?"

"Crystal."

"Go and find your euphoria, you deserve it."

"Ma..."

"What?" She chuckled, hugging him for the last time. "I will call Lois to pick you up as soon as you get there, okay? I will handle the expenses-"

"Ma, there's no need for that."

She walked towards her car, shrugging his son off. "I need to make use of my money sometimes, Clyde. Use yours to take your woman to dates."

He grimaced. "She prefers to stay at home and watch movies, though."

"Then buy her the biggest television you could get."

"Ma!"

-----

"Xy, are you sleeping?"

"No, I'm not really tired yet. Why?"

Aster sat on the edge of the white bed, staring at the bags of clothes and things he packed a few hours ago. They will leave the hospital in the morning, and sooner or later, he will fly back to America.

"I want to give you something."

Xyrill's eyes fluttered open as she sat up, waiting for him to say anything more. Instead, he stood up and opened the small cabinet near the side table, taking out a familiar bag.

All too familiar for the woman.

"What—"

"Keep this."

"But Aster, you love this camera. I can't accept this."

He walked closer, pushing the bag to her and grabbing her hands, making her hold it himself.

"So many wonderful moments are stored there and I want you to keep it. Rewind, reminisce without me."

"A-Aster, no... I'll let you do anything but that."

"Please," he held her hand and kissed it. She choked back a sob as he rubbed soothing circles on her hands that were once warm. Her hands that were once always enclosed on his bigger ones.

"Please let me go."

The fragile strings of fate broke the moment his hands loosened its grip, breaking the bond they once cherished and consolidated.

"I love you, Aster." She stared at his glassy eyes, her breath shaking as all her hopes shattered. "I would still love you 'till forever turns to never. I would love you perpetually."

Thank you, Xyrill.

I'm truly sorry.