chapter 61

 "Soooo... does this mean he's gonna ask you out?" I asked laughing with my friends, it had been months since I felt this happy, months since I felt this relaxed, it's all going too great for me, 

"Noahhh..." 

"Huh? Stop teasing me like that,"

"What?" Tia asked again, I bit on my lower lip and looked away, none of them had any idea about my massive crush on him, and I wasn't going to let them know. 

"He's coming over here," she said, 

"Who?" 

"Noahhh...." I looked behind me to see him coming over to our table with his friends. It was a casual outing so I looked plain, over plain, baggy jeans and baggy shirts, with my hair all tied up, but on the other hand he looked sooooo gooood, I still wonder how one individual can look this good with just a shirt and jeans, but I already had enough of basking in his beauty, I grabbed my phone quickly just so I could distract myself with it, not looking up once. His friends were telling me high but I pretended like it wasn't me, there was absolutely no way that I could look up, he could catch me staring and call me creepy.

Watching it all, I could notice the way Bella, was staring at Noah, and she had a smile on her face, that smile when you're in front of the guy you like.  Honestly, made me sick in the pit of my tummy,  wishing it was me, and the way he stared at her, I pretended to have a lot to do on my phone when basically I was switching between apps. But then I got a call from home, 

"Emily... hello..." my little sister had tears in her eyes,

"Lisa, what's wrong?" I asked, 

"Mom, she... she...  she's in the hospital now..."

"Lisa, dad said you shouldn't tell Emily!" The older one confronted her,

"What happened?" I asked trying as much as possible to keep my emotions in check, 

"Emily, don't..."

"I. Need. To. Know." I said, I wasn't going to let it go. 

"She got in accident. " With shaky hands, I fell back in my chair, I tried so hard to contain myself but my body had a mind of it own, 

"They want to... they want to conduct surgery on her," that moment, that split second, I became angry, I was furious, I was sad, I was distraught,

"Don't worry, she'll be fine, it was just..."

"Where's dad?"

"He's here, he's waiting outside with Cherry," 

"Mo... wh..." i was at a loss of words, I could feel my heart race faster, my head was spinning, my eyes were teary, 

"Emily, you good?" 

"I'm going home." I said immediately grabbing my purse and getting up, brushing past Noah, I didn't stop to get a better glimpse of the look on their faces, I messed it up but I didn't care, I was anxious right now, I'm trying so hard these past months to pull myself back together, but somehow it all just got thrown into the bin, why? How? What happened? An accident??? Why was I this unfortunate? Was God really trying to punish me for something I did? What in the world was happening and why was I always going through this?

I was aleeady in my taxi, heading home. The door was locked, which means they weren't home. I locked myself in again, dropping to my knees, I cried out, I was already thinking the worst that could happen. The tears in her eyes, she was scared.

I'm so useless right now, I can't even be of help to them, look at me, twenty whole hours away from home, and all I could do was cry, being the oldest I had the responsibility to be strong for them, to be there with them while they're broken, it is my responsibility to be with them while shit is going down, but unfortunately, I lay on the floor, with tears in my eyes, and a sick feeling in my guts, I'm the worst. I can never be better, no matter how hard I tried, I didn't realize when I slept off on the floor.

"Are you okay?" She asked me, 

"I was having a runny stomach, " i lied. She gave me a second look,

"A runny stomach wouldn't make you sleep on the floor with dried up tears in your eyes, red eyes and tear stained cheeks, what is wrong?" She asked me again.

"Nothing."

"I will not leave you like last time, you need to try harder," she was right, she was scared to death and I can imagine how she felt, I've been doing this for months now, until the point where she saw my almost lifeless body in the pool of my own blood in the shower.

"She..." the thought of it overwhelmed me again, I cried all over, 

"Let it out," she said wrapping her arms around me, making me cry all the more, 

"She... shee... shee got.... acc...ii.... deeeeent..." i said wailing out, she kept rubbing my back ,

"She'll be fine."

"Mommmyyy..... she... she... I don't want her to die...." i cried out again, ber hug got tighter, with the whispers,

"She's going to be fine. She'll be fine." 

My phone rang on the bed, looking at the screen, my mom's name appeared, I quickly grabbed it answering the call, her face popped up and she looked bright, 

"Emily!!" She screamed with concern, "why you crying?" I was confused, I looked at her again, 

"You're okay?" I asked, still trying to understand what was going on.

"What did Lisa tell you?"

"She said you were in an accident," 

"I was in an accident, I got bruises alone,"

"She said surgery,"

"Surgery? What surgery? I only had to dress the wounds and stay over night so they'd watch me and see if it's just the bruises I suffered. "

That very moment, I wanted to break her bones, what  fright she gave me,

"Is that why you're crying?"

"I was worried, I thought it was serious, Nelly said dad didn't want me knowing, "

"We knew you'd react this way, why stress you,"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes I am, I'm perfectly fine." I had a feeling she was lying, but I didn't want to push it. 

"Alright mom, if you say so."

"Go wash up and rest, you seem worn out, "

"Take care mom, goodnight." I said hanging up.

"See? There was no need for all the fuss," she said patting my head and moving to her bed. My mind went back immediately to pushing against Noah and running out, with that I groaned into my pillow. I groaned so loud I felt even worse. What the helll!!! I just got worked up and stressed out for nothing and Noah probably thinks I'm dumb. 

I raised my head after screaming for ten seconds, not like I counted anyways,

"He has no idea why I behaved that way, so I'm not wrong. It's not my business what he thinks of me," i said, lying to myself. What he thought about me was my business because I had a massive crush on him, "arrggghhhh" I screamed again falling into my bed.

"Yooo, you good? Stop screaming like a crazy old lady," my roommate said laughing. 

"I'm good," I said burying my face in my pillow, never again was I going to face Noah, I hardly see him anyways so I'm good. Oh dear Noah, how I wish you'd see how frustrated you make me feel, but somethings are better left as being unknown. 

I was wrong. I was honestly wrong. I'm just crazy, again. 

In Jared's room today, waiting for him to get ready for a party, I'm in his bed talking and laughing, 

"Sooo,  have you spoken to Noah?" He asked, I shook my head immediately, 

"I don't have the balls for it, I mean, nahhh, I won't ever, I'd just die," i said laughing 

"Well, don't. Just forget the guy, he has someone he's talking to already. " I think I had a clue of who it was already, 

"Bella right?" I asked him, he stared at me in shock, 

"I didn't want to say the name because she's your friend," I smiled, 

"It's not like I talk to him anyways, so why would I care?"

"Cuz you like him,"

"Crush. I have a crush on him, and just like every other guy, it will fade away," just then there was a knock on the door, Jared went over to open it, and turning my head to the door, Noah's standing there. 

Shit. Shit. Oh shit. 

I don't look his way, I'm back to staring at my phone again, switching between apps, I notice him stare at me, probably waiting for a reaction, but I say nothing, just pretend like nobody just walked in. Guard up. Super level guard up!! I scream in my head.  He walks out of the room, and within seconds Jared laughs hard, 

"Ssshhhh... he just left the room,"

"Did you see your face," he continued laughing, I threw a book at him, 

"Hurry up and let's go."

"We aren't the only ones leaving, Noah might come along too," I couldn't speak, my expression alone showed it all, 

"Damn girl, look at your face!! It's epic!!" He screamed with laughter,

"I hate you." I said rolling my eyes. 

"I want to change so I'll be in the bathroom," he said to me before shutting the door. 

Few minutes pass by and i hear the door open,

"That was quick, " i said, looking up from my phone, it was Noah. Freaking Noah. I didn't even look at him twice, I buried my head in my phone, that was close, bumping into him again, I was about losing it. 

With the awkward silence in the room, he took what he needed and left. I was relieved when he did, it'd have turned worse if he stayed longer, my dumbass would've done something extremely stupid, especially while Jared wasn't here.

"You were at the party?"

"Yeah, I was even sitting with Noah's brother," i said casually, it meant the whole world to me, but to them, it wasn't anything, only if they knew, only if they knew my massive crush on him, I had every reason not to let them know, I didn't want extra thoughts in my head, I needed the advice of my friends who were far away from me, who didn't know who he was, I was fine that way, I had peace of mind. No one to ask what was up with us, no one to know if anything went wrong, I wanted it to go on without anyone else's knowledge just so I can breathe in peace, it's always a case when people know who you like or who you're dating, a whole different world of drama, and for once, I wanted to operate on my own and see how it would end up, if my crush on him was going to last longer though.

"You know him?"

"Not really, we just met at the party," 

"How was it though? I heard ya'll refused to play the truth or dare game, but rather preferred drinking,"

"I for one didn't want to play that game, I was tipsy man, I was out of this world, I couldn't afford embarassing myself at the party but it was all good though," I added, but all I remember was trying my absolute best to avoid having close contact with Noah while sitting beside his brother, I didn't even want to talk to him, I was scared bruh, I don't know why. I always thought he was irritated at the sight of me, I thought he'd never want to talk to someone like me, I always thought he was also having a thing with Bella, so if I'm talking to him, it'd be like I ruined it for them, and somehow I felt like they didn't want me knowing about something, I refused to look into it, the only reason i don't want any or very few friends, the drama, it's too much, I'd much rather be on my own, in my own world without having to worry about a damn thing, and the sickly feeling about it was that I had a feeling it was between Bella and Noah, but like I said, as much as I'd love to know, not knowing seemed like a better option for me, saved me from mental stress. 

But then again, Bella somehow proved me wrong, she was talking about another guy, and she didn't really seem that interested in Noah, and i was dying to talk to him. 

My plan might sound stupid, but it was basically simple, I'd talk to him, and like every other time, we just stop talking out of the blue, either he grows tired of me or I grow tired of him, but I had a feeling it was the former. My best friend all the way back home, didn't believe me at all. All she thought was I was going to leave him, it might have been true if it were some other guy we were talking about, but it was him, and I had a feeling he was the one that was going to leave. I was looking at the first two weeks, or the first month of talking if it even lasted that long. 

The day I decided to take this huge step, to text him first, with my three guy friends who had no clue who he was, cheering me on. I decided to get his number from Bella, she brought up the idea, I was skeptical, but then, we're in the twenty first century, anything can happen. But I never expected that someone like me, with so much pride and all, would text a guy first. 

But there's a first time for everything.