Chapitre 9

KIERAN

I try to catch Mateo’s eye, but either the school-provided food is really interesting, or he’s ignoring me. Our friends give us a wide berth, shuffled to the end of the table, loudly talking as if to fill the void of mine and Mateo’s voices. Even Lana, who’s usually hanging off of Mateo like a bat, sits far away with pursed lips. I briefly wonder if Mateo told her what’s wrong before my conscious reminds me that it’s none of my business.

I feel guilty for being jealous of her – especially since I’m the one having sex her boyfriend. She’s been nothing but kind to me, and she’s always looking out for me. When Cordelia and I got together, she had put aside her personal grievances with the girl and had even convinced Alyssa to let her join the cheerleading squad. Of course, when we broke up, Lana had immediately severed all ties. I’m indebted to her one thousand times over, yet here we are.

From time to time, Alex will frown at me, flicking his eyes between Mateo and I, as if to say what happened?

I accidentally catch his eye as he does it again, so I grimace and shrug lightly. I honestly have no clue. Everything was fine when we woke up. More than fine, actually – it was perfect.

I had come to that morning in his arms, warm and happy, albeit a little sore. My back had a light carpet burn, but it didn’t matter at the time. I just lied there, smiling to myself because I thought Mateo wanted me. He wanted me to stay.

That acknowledgement had been all I needed to be content with this. As long as he held me, I had convinced myself, I would be fine.

“Morning,” he had murmured. I must have woken him up, but instead of pulling away like he usually did, he had shuffled closer, holding my head against his chest.

We had never been like this before – by now, we’d be awkwardly moving away, discussing breakfast as if nothing had happened. The worst time had been when he had immediately called Lana to about their upcoming date. However, at that moment, I revelled in the rise and fall of his chest, my own lungs syncing up with his. Butterflies had erupted in my stomach as I returned his greeting. Breathing had never been easier.

After a while, he spoke up. “We should get up.”

He didn’t let go of my waist, didn’t stop rubbing small circles there with his thumb. Little goosebumps were left in his wake as if my skin wanted his movements tattooed to me. The gesture grounded me, tying me to that moment.

Now, I think I should’ve just ignored what he said, but back then I had glanced up at his alarm clock and saw the time was dangerously close to 8a.m. I groaned, then let out a louder one as I tried to sit up.

“Are you sore?” he sounded so concerned, and immediately shifted upright once he saw the state of my back. “I’m sorry.” His hands made their way to my lower back where the tiny red scratches from the carpet lay.

“It’s okay,” I had assured him. It had been more than okay – I still didn’t know what had gotten into him last night, but I enjoyed it.

I had only come to check up on him since he was acting weird on our call. What he had said made no sense, and I figured he was mad at me. Mateo’s temper is one to be feared, but it’s rarely directed towards me. We’ve only ever had a couple arguments over the course of our friendship. In retrospect, both were over stupid, infinitesimal things but our rivalling stubbornness had blown it way out of proportion.

That’s why I wanted to sort out his problem before it became something big, but… I guess it wasn’t needed?

He had uttered near-incomprehensible things, but it was the way he said them. It was the way he looked at me – like there was a chance that he liked me back. That he felt the same butterflies.

His fingers ran over the graze, and I had winced. His hands flew off me like he had burned me, and he leapt off the bed with an apologetic expression. “Stay there.”

I didn’t question him.

He returned moments later, a damp rag in his hands. He knelt beside the bed and ran it over the carpet burn, glancing up at me to make sure he wasn’t pressing too hard. My heart swells thinking back on his tenderness.

Eventually, he was satisfied, but he had lingered there beside the bed. Just gazing up at me. Before I could ask, he reached up to kiss me. It lasted only for a second – merely a peck – but it meant everything to me. That was the third time he had done that – kissed me at random, for no apparent reason. Was I foolish for getting my hopes up? All I wanted to know at that moment was what he was thinking.

Just as I had been about to ask, the morning fog seemed to lift from his brain. He broke eye contact and turned his back, reaching for some clothes. He had wordlessly passed me some of his, and we got dressed in silence. Utter. Silence.

He hasn’t looked at me since.

I want so badly to grip his blank face and scream at him. I want to ask him why; I want to demand that he explains why he did what he did last night. Why did he say what he said? Why does he look at me like I’m his world one moment, and then pretend I’m invisible the next? What did I do?!

“We should go to the mall after school,” Alex says all of a sudden. To anyone else, it’d just be a moment of spontaneity, but I know better. Alex is the kind of person that prefers actions over words. Whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps, he’ll drag me along to some activity until he sees me smile.

“I would, but I promised Alyssa I’d watch the cheerleaders routine. They want an outside perspective,” Lana says.

Rob nods along, then nudges me. From the way Mateo jumps and glares at him, I assume Rob had kicked his shin. “Hello? Earth to space cadets?”

I don’t reply and just watch Mateo. The kick had shocked him, and it’s like he’s been broken out of some sort of trance. He looks around, eyes darting to me and then immediately looking away once he sees me staring back.

“Hmm?”

“What is with you today?” Alex mutters, shaking his head at him. “We’re going to the mall this afternoon. You’re coming.” He turns to me, looking me dead in the eye. “You too, Kay. Unless you have plans with your secret mistress?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mateo’s head snap to me, suddenly interested. I refuse to look at him. Two can play that game. “No plans. I’ll come.”

“Wasn’t really a choice, but hey! The more, the merrier!” Alex beams at me, dimples and all. I tune the rest of the plan-making out, barely offering my input when Rob demands to discuss what food we should get.

Mateo seems dazed again, frowning to himself. I’d give anything to know what he’s thinking. As it stands though, his thoughts stay trapped in that thick skull of his. And I’m on the outside.

-

He still hasn’t said a word to me. The four of us have been hanging out and wandering around the mall for the past two hours, and now we’re sat at the docks. My legs dangle over the edge, far from the dark, angry water, and I stare down at the distorted, barely recognisable version of myself. Mateo is next to me, not by choice, but because I had followed him when he drifted over here. Rob and Alex are messing around at the very end of the pier. I hear Rob yell and glance over to see his sopping wet body pull itself back onto the dock while Alex laughs at him.

Mateo’s eyes flick over to the commotion, and the ghost of a smile appears on his face, quickly vanishing when his eyes drift towards me.

The anger bubbles up in me again, but his slumped shoulders quickly stifle it. “Are you okay?” I manage to ask. Despite everything, he’s still my friend, and I’m genuinely concerned for him. He glances at me again, silently regarding me, as if he’s measuring the depth of my sincerity. Maybe he is mad at me, but the weed had made him forget. I’ve never smoked before, so hey, it could be possible. “Did I… did I do something?”

“No,” Mateo says firmly. The resolve in his voice shocks me. He swallows, opening and closing his mouth a few times, testing out what to say. “I… There’s something that I have to- I’m working something out. But you didn’t- um… It’s not your problem.”

His words come out in a stutter, the end of one blurring into the start of another. His speech is jagged and rough, yet all too soft. It pains me to see him so unsure of himself. He’s always been the bold one, never afraid to say what he wants. But recently…

“I still want to help – if you’ll let me.” He drops eye contact with me again, tensing and shifting as if to put a microscopic gap between us. I sigh, the frustration breaking through the mental barrier I had placed. With a huff, I stand up, but he grabs my arm before I can storm off. I’m about to yell at him, or shake him off, when he finally looks at me.

“Please don’t go,” he pleads. His fingers tightly grip my wrists, and his eyes frantically search mine with the same desperation as last night.

There he goes again, saying things like that: begging me to stay but never wanting me when I’m by his side. But I’m not one to deny him – I’ll never deny him.

“I’m right here,” I sigh, the anger seeping out of me like the push and pull of the tides. I pull him up to a standing position, gripping both his hands. He doesn’t let go and instead steps closer, leaning down to press his forehead against mine. He stares into my eyes, but I screw mine shut. I can’t cope with him being so close to me – not out in public like this. Not when he’s sober. He’ll see straight through me.

“Please,” he repeats, voice breaking as if he’s trying to convey some message to me. I hate that I can’t help him. I want to understand so badly.

“Teo, just tell me what you need from me.”

Mateo doesn’t respond. For someone so tall, he looks so tiny right now. He’s still staring at me, sadness emanating from him.

It’s clear he’s not going to break his silence. I shake my head and start to trudge over to Alex and Rob, tugging Mateo along with me. Rob is in the midst of trying to tackle Alex into the water, but despite the boy being shorter, he’s got more muscle than Rob, so he just laughs and fights him off. I jump up on the breezeblocks lining the sides of the pier, walking along them as if they were a tightrope. On one side, there’s hard concrete, and on the other, the dark water crashes below. Mateo’s hold on my hand tightens, and he gets closer, an arm hovering in case he needs to catch me.

And this is why I’ll never let him go. Every time he shows he cares, I’m drawn in all over again.