chapter 5

Emily.

April 12th 2014.

~'´~

Running away is the only thing I knew, the only thing I seemed to be good at and why you ask? It's because I'm weak and pathetic.

I like telling myself that.

I chose something that I thought was good. I chose not to stay and fight my demons back, I chose to not stay and fight for the people that I loved instead I chose to run.

Run away from everything and everyone because it's what I'm good at. It's what I was used to because I've learnt this and this is one thing that I'm not afraid of doing.

I close my eyes and take in a couple of deep breaths and when my eyes open again, I'm facing the window.

The sky is a bright beautiful blue and it's sunny aswell causing the sun's rays to enter through the window. It looks . . . happy which is a whole different feeling that I'm currently feeling.

I'm definitely anything, but happy.

I think scared and nervous but most importantly angry. The anger is amplified way more than anything else right now and I don't know if my small, fragile self can take so much anger. I might just burst any minute.

Although I somehow think I already bursted long ago. I just might not have realized it until now that is.

It's funny how I keep telling myself to be calm when I keep doing anything but that especially now.

Plane rides scare me, I've never been on a plane before today and my senses are on high alert, my right leg keeps bouncing up and down, and I think the old lady that is seated next to me is getting annoyed with it.

I can't help it though, this is a big decision for me and a life changing, last minute decision at that. I wonder if it's a good decision though, maybe right now it might seem like it isn't but I know that in the future it will be a good one. One that I will be proud of, proud of taking a step and standing up for myself, for once and for all.

My mind and heart are having an internal battle since I've made my decision. My mind is dead set on this and is positive that this will be good for us whereas my heart, my precious broken heart is crying and hurting.

I don't focus on my hearts cries and hurting because frankly I've had enough and I need this, I can do this.

I can do this.

I take in deep breaths to try and calm myself, again for the umpteenth time today. I need to stay sane and stable, I can not be stressing myself out over this. I am already here, on this plane, I can not change my decision now.

I know why I can't change it. I know why I'm feeling this way and I hate it, I just. . . I fucking hate it, feeling so useless and stupid all the goddamn time.

All my life I've obeyed to the rules and regulations that I've been given except for now because I refuse to sit down and obey like a good little lap dog that I've been for my whole life. I'm tired of following rules and I'm tired of living my life to everyone else's expectations.

I'm not even sure how I'm feeling anymore as I continue to think about it, maybe I'm supposed to feel hurt or maybe I'm supposed to feel angry but really all I feel is nothing. I am numb to the feelings that haunt me, that have been haunting me.

There are so many feelings, emotions that are all combining themselves together that their confusing the absolute hell out of me.

My head hurts because of it.

It's scary to think that people can change within hours, minutes, seconds even. It's torturous to even think about.

I had always had my doubts. I had always had that annoying, bubbling feeling within me that seemed to always remind me that I wasn't, and would never be, good enough for anyone especially not for him.

I need to stop thinking about it, about all of it.

Memories flood my mind when I try falling off to sleep to at least have some peace from my already jumpy mind but with these memories, the good and bad ones, storming around in my head. . . It makes it near impossible to cope.

I almost have the sudden urge inside of me to turn back around, get off of this plane and run back home where I'll probably get punished for even thinking of doing this.

I have to do this though, for me, myself and I.

I am strong, I am brave and independent.

This whole thing will be a peace of cake, I'm sure of it.

I close my eyes, taking in another round of deep helpful breaths of air until my lungs are satisfied, until I am satisfied with myself.

I watch as the plane slowly takes off the ground, my mind seeming to go abit jumpy again but I force myself to stay calm and collected, to stay in control.

I've got this. All I need to do is get to New York City in one peace, find the that family friend and then I'll be on my way. I know this change is going to be hard, but it's also going to be good for me. I know it.

Here goes nothing.