chapter 6

09:00 Saturday Morning. I roll around on my bed trying to wake up. Eventually I do and make my way down stairs to get some coffee. “morning…” Dylan walks into the kitchen. I grunt and nod, still angry at him for throwing me into the pool and almost exposing my nude-ness. “I’m sorry okay…” he says looking at me. “I’m sorry baby sis…” I just grunt and nod. He can take it the way he wants to. I’m tired and I intend on going back to bed right after I finish my coffee, and have a shower. “I’m working night shift tonight, My last shift.” I nod before taking my coffee cup and going to sit outside by the pool. While my brother cleaned up inside, I sat outside, staring at the pool in my own thought. Justin! I can’t do it because of Justin. How I felt that, there was something wrong with the situation I was going to get in, I have to make up an excuse to get out of this mess with Jason. If it was right it wouldn’t be a secret. I’ve been on the pill for about a year now. My mother’s form of trust. I’ve got to tell Jason. I cant. He can have any girl he wants… Just not me. I have no idea why he agreed to this anyway. I’m stupid. I have been stupid. I can go to Ireland being a virgin.( My oldest brother Christopher is in Ireland, and I intend on going there to study…) Maybe I will find someone who loves me that side. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I’ve wanted just this one fish that I haven’t really looked at other fish. I realize that Justin has been cheating on me for quite some time but we not really in a relationship. It’s on and off and I haven’t really given him anything, and he isn’t the type to wait.  I can’t really depend on him as an excuse. Things run through my head. But also Jason was drinking last night and how do I even know that what he said is real. I mean he has never had any interest in me at all. Besides, when my brother works he  also works so. Probably he is working later on with my brother, so I don’t know what I’m really fussing about. He will be gone on Sunday and we won’t see him again hopefully… Not that I wish that, he has been good to me… Kind…Sweet…caring… My thought is broken when I hear the patio door open. “Listen Lee, will you be fine here alone tonight? Don’t you want to ask Jess to sleep over here or you go to her?” “ I’m fine Dylan… I’m not an idiot, nor am I scared to be alone. What’s the sudden change of heart… You don’t think I’m going to a party tonight?” “ well are you?” “No but that’s beside the point…” “I trust you then…” “okay bye…” I put my hand up towards my brother. He got the picture, and went inside to finish up and sleep before his night shift.

I got up went to shower and then also went back to sleep. I woke up at about 17H00 went to shower again, I woke up in sweats, and I felt sticky. I walked downstairs, I was ready to put on some good chick flicks and make popcorn.  My brother dressed for success in his uniform in his 24 hour movie theater attire. I salute him as he walks out the door, he flips me a bird in return. 20H00 comes around and I just finished watching knocked up. I go and order a pizza, Cheese and pepperoni… It will be here in 30 Minutes. I end the call and put the movie wild hogs in. There’s a knock at the door. I stand by the door, “Whose there?” I yell, “it’s me Lee…” Jason says, “Jason?” I say opening the door… “What are you doing here?” “Well, I don’t know, I thought a lot about what you asked. I don’t know if it’s right you know?” “Obviously… I thought that you wouldn’t remember it because you were drinking, But I mean you didn’t have to come all the way here to tell me…” “I didn’t want to end it on a bad note with you. Please don’t take this as a rejection. I really find you attractive, and I would, um, love to see your body but I can’t, I will feel guilty to your brother, and guilty that I took your virginity when there are plenty of willing good guys out there that will do it. You know maybe when you are in Ireland or next year….” We are standing at the door looking at each other. Listening to his words… His eyes rake over my body. I’m wearing pajama shorts and a strappy top. “God your beautiful…” he says almost breathless “okay… do you want to come in?” “come in?” “To the house, you perv…” he laughs and I giggle… “maybe another time. I’m going home to pack…” I nod, he nods too, “bye Lee… Maybe in another life we will meet again and we can actually do something about our feelings.” I smile as he turns to walk. I shut the door and fall to the bottom of the door holding my knees. What feelings? I thought, I’m the only one who has feelings here, The pain I feel from the rejection even though I know that all of this was immature on my part, but still it stings. What feelings though? Does he have feelings for me? I get up in realization. I swing that door open. Like it will almost come off the hinges. “Jason! Wait…” His at the bottom of the driveway almost getting into his car. “Don’t fucking go!”