chapter 58

While sitting in bed depressed listening to 'What if by Kane Brown' thinking about my life and life choices, I can't help but contemplate 'what if'...

'What if' I didn't say yes? 'What if' I left? 'What if' I stayed away? 'What if' I was made for someone else? And so on and so forth.

I've read so many romance novels I kept wondering why life wasn't like them? Why I couldn't have my happily ever after? Why the man I loved didn't love me the same?

I think about my children who are still young, I think about what an example I'm setting them up for in life. I don't want them to follow my choices. I don't want them to expect this is how you treat a woman or to except being treated in such a manner for it to be normal. I speak to them every night making sure to say everything, all my feelings towards what they see and to be better people than me. To not look for or follow their fathers impressions of who he is and who he's become. 

What makes one think of these things or how terrible their life could be when knowing deep down someone may have it worse than you? 

It's when the one person you gave your heart to, the one person you thought was your best friend, your confidant, your soulmate tells you in front of your children they married trash. Now I'm not high class, I'm average. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, I think I'm ok. But when the one person you confide in drop kicks you, you question everything. The biggest question... What did I do in my life for karma to justify putting me down?

I've dealt with a troubled life growing up. My parents divorced when I was young like a lot of families. They never fought over custody, my father just walked away. I was eight. I watched him come home pack his bag, yell at my mom, throw things, slam the door behind him, and peel out of the driveway in his '76 Camero leaving tires marks. From then on it was just the two of us. 

I always thought it was my fault, I mean he never looked at me, he never spoke to me. I was a nothing that he left in the dust never to look back. I wasn't the boy he wanted, I was a girl he hated. 

My mom eventually came out of her depressed state a few years later and found a great guy who seemed to love me as much as he did her. I got a brother about a year after they married and life seemed to be getting better, until we moved from Chicago to New York.

I was 16 and an introvert. Making new friends when I really didn't have any I left behind was difficult. I walked around with my head down in school, sat in the back of the class room praying every day the teacher would bypass me when they tried to get class participation. Well one day the hottest guy in school,  Bobby Almeida sat at the desk next to me in Mrs. Thomas' English class and cleared his throat, "Hi!" He whispered. 

At first it was so low I thought I imagined it, I wouldn't dare look up. No one speaks to me, I have no friends he must be speaking to himself, right?

Bobby said hi again, but a little louder. Now I know I wasnt imaging it so who could he be sayin hi to and no one is responding. I finally glanced up through my hair, I kept my hair long to my waist with a bang that was side swiped to cover my eyes which always worked best with hiding. As I looked up I locked eyes with Bobby, the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen, staring at me. At me of all people. My heart skipped and almost fell out of my chest. Why was he looking at me?

I scanned around the room to verify, maybe he was looking behind me? All the other kids were looking forward. I looked back at him and put my finger to my chest as in asking if he was speaking to me. He nodded his head and pointed his finger to me. Bobby said hi one more time and I felt my face heat up. I must be the color of my red cowl neck sweater I was wearing. Bobby, Bobby Almeida was speaking to me. 

He leaned over and whispered, "Can we talk after class? I'll meet you at your locker"

"Um...sure?"

"Ok, cool. See you soon!"

For the remainder of class I kept feeling like everyone was staring at me. I definitely was redder than my sweater now. I wanted to sink to the floor and either crawl out of the room or pray the floor would swollen me whole. I don't like attention, I don't get attention. What could Bobby of all people in school want to talk to me about?

The bell finally rang indicating the end of class. Everyone ran out like always as I grabbed my stuff taking my time. Contemplating if I should follow through and go to my locker even though I didn't need to yet. I told myself under my breath, "just go to your car you have a free period, there's no way this boy really wants to speak to you." Did I listen? Nope. I found myself staring at the most gorgeous guy in school with his back leaning against my locker and one foot up looking cool and collective while his green eyes were watching me approach. I gripped my books to my chest tighter and gulped. All I could do now was look everywhere but him. I felt like I was going to pass out any minute. My face felt hot, my palms moist, "Holy shit, this guy is really at my locker." I whispered to myself. 

I tilted my head slowly up when I reached my locker, Bobby was still staring at me. I glanced around me one more time, "Hi." I said shyly. 

"Hi Lyliana. Do you need to get in your locker? If so I'll move."

"Um... no thank you. I planned on going to my car."

"Ok, well I was wondering if I can take you to the homecoming this year?"

My eyes widened in surprise