chapter 7

"The amount of love you give someone, is proportionate to how badly they can hurt you." 

Sumaya.

Have you ever felt like your breath was knocked out of you?

That's exactly how I feel right now.

“You’re kidding me, right?” I skewer him with my eyes as I wait for him to reply.

You’d think he would show some semblance of remorse or even sadness after practically throwing in my laps the fact that his dad wants him to marry his business associate’s daughter --- someone who is definitely not me. But what’s got my tight kickers in a twist is that my boyfriend of three years, the man who vowed we’d spend the rest of our lives together, agreed to his father’s decision because it’s good for business.

“This is bullshit, and you know it.” I jet up from the chair and begin pacing. The light from the flickering t.v screen eerily lluminates his face, before it leaves it in shadow. I get the vague feeling this can pass for the set of a thriller movie, right before the bad guy goes ape shit.

Farouq says nothing, does nothing, except to bring out a cigarette from his pocket and light it up with a calmness that has me thinking he would fit the role of a bad guy perfectly.

“So you’re just going to sit there and say nothing after dropping a bomb on me?”

He continues smoking peacefully, as if I’m thin air, as if he didn’t just turn my whole world upside down.

Something inside me snaps, and so I rush to him, shaking him and wishing I could rattle out something out of him. I need him to talk. I need him to tell me in that calm voice of his that used to set butterflies flurttering inside me, that it was all a joke. It is April 1st after all, so maybe I’m just being pranked.

Instead, he pushes me away and I almost fall, save for the last minute when I hold on to the edge of the glass table.

Unfortunately for him, I’m not done yet. The little patience I had left snaps into pieces as I charge at him, wrapping my manicured talons round his neck. I watch as he sputters, almost choking on his own spit.

Finally . . . this gets a rise out of him as he flails his hand, indicating a time out.

It took me almost taking his life for him to want to say something.

As I slowly ease my hands from around his neck, I sound a note of warning. "If you don't say something that makes sense to me, Farouq! I won't be held responsible for what I'll do to you next!"

He quickly moves away from my grasp. Probably expecting me to lunge at him again.

Smart move!

I notice the cigarette he lit lying unattended to on the ground. As I raise my eyes, Farouq is staring at me, with barely concealed anger in his eyes. Just when I think he’s about to act on his anger, he swipes a hand across his face and turns away. When next he looks at me, the anger has been replaced with a smile as he comes close to me, and wraps me in an embrace.

“Don’t worry, love. It's you I love, but . .  . “ He moves away from me, giving me a wide birth,  and goes to stand behind the sofa before facing me with a steely glint in his eyes. “Business comes first with me. That means I will definitely marry her, but . . .” He raises a finger in the air to drive home his point. “That won’t stop us. We can continue our dalliance. How does that sound?” A smirk graces his lips as he looks at me triumphantly.

I think whatever was in the cigarette is making him spout nonsense.

“You’re kidding me, right? This is a joke, right?” When he says nothing, it dawns on me he’s actually serious.

“So you expect me to have an affair with a married man, who by the way is my man?”

“I think that sums it up pretty nicely.” He grins suddenly, coming to stand next to me once again with a smile that a few seconds ago would have had me dropping my panties for him.

“Now I know what you think of me.” I nod in sudden understanding. “You never loved me, I was just a play thing to you.” Tears spring to my eyes, but I will them away, blinking furiously. I will not give him the pleasure of seeing me crying in his presence. No!

"Look Maya, I'm sorry but it is what it is. If you can't agree to be with me even when I get married, shida yako. (That is your problem) " He shrugs unapologetically.

I shake my head at him, suddenly realising I don't know the man staring back at me the way I thought I did.

As I go through the motions of grabbing my things that are splayed all over the sofa, Farouq throws me a wary look on his face.

That’s right. He should be worried, 'cause I might change my mind and leave him with a scar he’ll forever remember me with.

"Unaenda wapi Maya? (Where are you going Maya?) " He reaches out to stop me.

"Far away from this mess you call a relationship. " I scoff and step out of his apartment without a second glance.

Throughout the bus ride home, I think about my relationship with Farouq. We have known each other since we were teenagers, going to the same schools and university. I had a big crush on him for ages before he finally noticed me.

One year ago, at a birthday party of one of our former school mate, Farouq asked me out and we have dated since then. I love him so much that I find it hard to accept what he just told me today.

Does he even love me like I do him? I'm beginning to have doubts. Heck! I doubt if he ever loved me.

How am I going to cope without him? I cannot and will never be with a married man. It's against my principles.

Once I step into the house, Salma, my younger sister besieges me. "Ulikua wapi? (Where were you?) Daddy is looking for you.”

I mentally groan. I really need to go to my room and cry my eyes out. Daddy has chosen the worst time. Grudgingly, I walk to his room and knock on his door, impatiently waiting for a response.

"Who is there?"

"Daddy, it's Maya.”

"Nakuja. (I'm coming.) " I can hear him shuffling around in the room, so I head to the living room and wait for him.

"What did I do? It's been long since Dad asked to speak with me. " I try to get answers from my elder brother Fahir who is busy playing a video game.

"I have no idea but it seems to be something very serious. He has been discussing with Mum for hours.”

I freeze at that. I’m mentally and emotionally tired already, but what could be worse than the love of my life getting married to someone that isn’t me?

Seconds later, Daddy appears with Mum trudging closely behind. Contrary to my fears, they look so happy, like they have won a lottery or something and I slightly relax at the realization that it may not be as bad as I thought.

"Good afternoon.” I greet, sitting properly on the sofa.

"How are you, my dear? You don't look so good. " Daddy peers at me closely. Unfortunately, he chose to seat directly opposite me.

"I'm okay." I force a smile onto my gloomy face, but from the questioning look on Mum's face, she doesn't buy it one bit. She knows me too well.

Fahir stops the video game and Salma settles herself at Daddy's feet comfortably. I mentally roll my eyes at that. She’s always been Daddy's girl.

"Ehen! We have to discuss a very serious matter with you Sumaya. " He begins and I stiffen at the use of my full name.

". . . okay with that? " My mind had wandered off. What did he say before that?

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