chapter 61

"Isn't that Noah?" I asked rhetorically as I was being wheeled by  Dr. Fred to his office. I kept staring at him, but when our eyes met, he took them away immediately, and never looked back at me. My heart sank to the pits of my stomach as I looked away as well. Of course, he must have heard of the dumb girl who tried committing suicide and figured it was me.  Pathetic. 

"Okay, mind telling me who that guy is?" He asked as he settled in his chair, 

"What guy?"

"The guy on the glasses whom you were drooling at," he said smiling.

"I wasn't drooling!!" I shouted trying to defend myself. 

"Okay okay, who is he?"

"I don't know him." I shrugged my shoulders, he gave me a knowing look, 

"I'm serious, I just bump into him, that's all."

"But he seems to have melted your heart already, "

"He's gorgeous,  I won't deny. This feeling will wash away soon, don't try getting your hopes up."

"If you say so, I think you should talk to him."

"Now I know how insane you are. Let's not talk about him again. Let's move on to why I'm here. It's been three weeks now, haven't I made any improvements?"

"No offence but you tried killing yourself, and after that, you didn't regret doing it and wished to succeed on the next attempt, I need to be completely sure you're alright before I give them reason to discharge you. Risks can't be taken."

"How do you feel today?"

"Good."

"Just good?"

"I'm trying my best to use all the tips you gave to me. Trying my best to be better,"

"If you evetually get discharged, we'll be having our sessions every two weeks, On Fridays, is that okay?"

"I clearly don't mind."

"So what did you do today?"

"My friends came to pay me a visit. They really seemed worried..."

"Still having doubts?"

"You said it already, it wouldn't happen over night, baby steps first. I'm working on trying to believe them,"

"Do you still have suicidal thoughts?" 

"I don't. I'm willing to give it all a try, everything. But not everything. Everything except Love." 

"I wouldn't change your view about it. You'll change that view yourself,"

"Into something worse, yes I will."

"What is love anyways? How on earth do you feel that thing?"

"You'll just know it, you'll feel it. Love doesn't necessarily have a process, it just happens. The little things are what matters in love not the extravagant present things, you'll just catch yourself lost in it, just as you were lost in that guy today,"

"I wasn't lost in him, he's just way out of league."

"What makes him way out of your league? Did he tell you that?"

"He doesn't have to. Didn't you see him? He's probably got a lot of girls, a girlfriend maybe, he's way too fine, and the way he dresses, you definitely don't see an average me talking to him, do you?"

"Talking down on yourself again,"

"I'm not talking down on myself. He's hard to approach, I won't even have the right words to say to him,"

"We'll talk to him now."

"Now? No way , have you seen what I look like? I smell sick, I tried to commit suicide, he probably heard of it, what exactly do you want a stuck up girl like me to say to him? That I want to give off the suicide vibes? Let it go. I won't talk to him,"

"You see him all high and mighty, I only see a regular guy who came for check up."

"How do you know that?"

"Because he always comes here," he sat on the table. "He isn't at all what you described him as," he said, "he's worse." 

"That wasn't expected at all, worse? How?"

"He doesn't talk at all, he basically just nods his head, shakes it, or stares at you, like a robot being controlled." He said in exasperation making me laugh, 

"Admiring from afar it is for me then."

"But you'll never know until you try, talk to him. Say something. I don't want you looking down on yourself, so start by talking to him."

"I wouldn't want to meet someone like him in my messed up form."

"Just talk to him."

"Can we not drag this any further?"

"Is there any difference between now and the first time I came to your office?" I asked calmly, changing the topic. 

"When you were brought here at first, you weren't this relaxed. You were always squeezing the hem of your gown, and your eyes never met mine like it is now, you find me comfortable to talk to now, at first it was like you were being forced."

"I meant mentally, "

"Hmm... do you now have a reason to live?" He asked me. This question would determine it. Over the past few weeks I finally found a reason to keep me going, proving to my dad that i could make it. Making my mom proud. Wanting to live everyday to the full, achieving all I ever dreamed off that I lost sight of, 

"Yes. I do."

"What are they?"

"Making my mom proud. Proving myself. " he smiled.

"I guess you can answer that question for yourself. You're discharge will depend on your personal doctor, in my opinion you are free to go home, BUT..."

"But?"

"Your roommates will be responsible for you. They'll be doing the job of checking on you every time, like I said, this session will continue for as long as you want it to. Okay?"

"So I can go now?"

"Yes, why aren't you off the wheel chair though?"

"Don't ask me, ask the nurse who said I should be on it. I slit my wrist not my legs," i said smiling.

"That genuine smile on your face wasn't there when you first came in,"

"I'm afraid of one thing,"

"Which is?"

"I don't know how I'll be able to move on with the fact that people know I almost died of suicide, they'll see me differently. They wouldn't want to associate with me because of fear of rubbing off the  suicidal thoughts on them, I don't think anyone will be able to stay, or be friends with me, or date me,"

"By anyone, do you mean the guy you met outside?" I nodded my head slowly, 

"Anyone who's meant to stay, will stay. No matter what they know about you, the strong ones, the ones who are willing, will stay. Let the message spread that you survived suicide, the main focus is that you're no longer suicidal. The people who meet the new you will appreciate you irrespective of your past."

"In addition to that, Lies such as I’m helpless, I’m worthless, I’m unlovable, shape our thinking, our emotions, and the way we respond to the world around us. They trap us in their cycle of distraction and distortion and pain, preventing us from recognizing the truth we should believe. Most detrimentally, they change how we view God. Every lie we buy into about ourselves is rooted in what we believe about God. 

Suicide my dear is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'll say it again, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Keep remembering these words till it sinks in.

Don't be afraid of all those things you mentioned. Fear causes anxiety, it's okay to be afraid, we're human after all, it is perfectly okay to be afraid. But when you are, don't stay isolated, I can give you my phone number, you can call me anytime, text me anytime, if you need someone to talk to, your roommates are reliable, I've spoken to them, I've listened to how they speak about you and they care so much for you so talk to them."

"Speaking of the phone number..." i said smiling,

"Young lady, did you hear a word I said?"

"I'd hear you if I get that number. " he began to laugh making me laugh too, he wrote it on a sticky note and pasted it on my hand,

"I'll be going now. I'm supposed to have a check up soon by the nurse," 

"Alright then. Take care. Do you need me to...."

"Nahh, I can handle myself." I said as I waved a goodbye and turned round, wheeling myself out of his office. 

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I muttered under breath, it was a permanent solution. It is a permanent solution, once you die, the problem's all gone. But is it though? Is it really gone? When you die, like if I succeeded in killing myself, what would happen? My mom will be disheartened, and, my dad probably would have still left, and then she'd be broken for almost forever, but here I am, still alive with a second chance to make it right. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

I felt a hand stop my wheelchair, looking up it was Noah, I looked down immediately wheeling away from him. I almost hit him, he stopped me in time,  I didn't even look back twice, I got anxious immediately just being directly in front of him, he probably thinks I'm clumsy right now. 

"Emily, I was just on my way to meet you," the nurse said to me. 

"I knew about that, I wheeled myself over here hoping to be in time. "

"You can get off the wheel chair now," she said. I happily got off the chair, stretching my legs,

"Uuugghh.... I missed my legs," I said continuing to stretch.

"Seems like you've shown great improvement since the first time you were brought in."

"Really?"

"You're smiling, that's a rare. You hardly smiled at anyone, I was always afraid of starting a conversation with you because you're face always scared me off,"

"What? Oh dear, was it thst bad?"

"But since this week, I've seen you smile and that's nice. I have your medication in that bag over there, you'll need to come for a check up once every month, make sure to stick to your medication, I know how much you hate drugs but your hand needs to heal faster," she said, I looked at my bandaged hand and nodded.

"If you need anyone to talk to, just let me know, oh and, that sticky note, you're gonna lose it soon enough. Dr. Fred has got the eyes of every young eligible nurse and doctor here, they'd take anything to steal his phone number from you. " she said smiling.

"How'd you know it was from him?"

"The only person you seem to have socialized with since you came here has been him,"

"And you wouldn't try to steal it from me?"

"My husband wouldn't allow that," she said smiling. 

"What's he like anyways, I mean Dr. Fred,"

"He's very reserved. He hardly speaks to anyone except his patients, I've noticed he gets happy when he meets a patient, but that smile is hardly shown to any of us. "

"Alright, I'll have your guardian sign the papers and you'll be good to go."

"Thanks so much, " i said smiling.  He's not the social butterfly I see, staring blankly at the number on the sticky note, I typed into my phone and saved it, when I was gonna make use of it, I wasn't sure. The only thing I want to focus on is recovering fully, before havinf extra thoughts on my mind. He looks out of my league anyways, he looks like he needs someone who's very matured to understand him, and in my state, I'll only be a liability. I've made up my mind already, the next person I'll date, will have to meet a whole new me. Not the same with the suicidal depressing thoughts, but one who isn't afraid of the things she once was afraid of, not the same girl who was once scared to love, but someone open to it without holding a lot into it. I want love to be a part of my character, I don't want to seem so needy and dependent on whoever that guy maybe, I have a feeling that I'll achieve that, it doesn't seem so far fetched. A whole lot of things are going to change about me soon though. Hopefully, I'll be able to scale through it