chapter 61

He passes me a glass of water as he sat on the bed in his office, paying attention to my sad tale, I wiped off the tears from my cheeks, as I sat quietly, the events of my childhood replaying, 

"It was sad, I could never relate to my friends who were always jealous of their parents love. Sleeping at night with screams, waking  up with tears, was a norm for me. Of all the road accidents I had with my mom, none that he ever showed up for. So why would I care now about anyone who claims to care for me? My dad once confessed his undying love for my mother, and he switched up on her two years into their marriage, two years, with me bearing a witness to it. Love. That shit's long gone. It doesn't exist. Love is just a word if you ask me, it doesn't exist in anywhere, it's stupid. My last relationship, he was way too caring, I wasn't even ready to be in one, why was he so caring to someone he met few days ago, I doubt love can be that blind. I'm distant when it comes to love, I can't show emotions to anyone I care about. I turn out cold in the end, I turned ice cold to my family. My sisters, I felt bad for them, they were always wanting love from me, but if died in my childhood, I couldn't love them properly like their big sister should, I can't even love myself."

"What's their relationship like now?"

"Before I left, it wasn't any better. I mean why else will I be this depressed, he came around, but he's nor fully around. If I mess this up, it's over for all of us. It's all finished."

He watched me silently, probably thinking of the right answer to give to give me confidence or so,

"You don't need to say anything. I haven't told anyone about this before, you're the first and probably the last I'll speak to about this. I hate telling anyone, that pitiful look you're giving to me is what I hate. I hate being pitited, I hate crying in front of people, I hate being seen as weak, makes me feel vulnerable, I hate that I feel things, I hate that I feel emotions, I want to be totally blank to them, care for no one. No one cares for me. Life would be easier that way. Disappointments will be hard to come by.

But you see that love, you see relationships, just count me out of it. I'm not going to change. I have my defence mechanism set up for it already. My feelings for a guy lasts only but for a week, and I'm on to the next, there's absolutely no way I'll give in to anyone. No way at all. Not if I play the games first." 

He sighed, taking his seat, then staring at me, 

"My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with my brother. I walked in on them on my couch, imagine how I must have felt,"

"Scum has no gender."

"We're all scum in a way, to a certain degree. But has that clouded my judgement of people, I wouldn't let that. I know that out there, there's someone good that'll come my way, the only thing I've stopped doing is chasing after it. If it's meant to be, it'll be."

"And your brother? You definitely cannot replace him,"

"The idiot chases after everything in a skirt, so it was expected. What I'm trying to say is just because of a bad experience..."

"I'll cut you off right there, an experience I grew up with from my childhood till an adult, witnessed from around me, in my home and my own relationship. Where am I supposed to get the hope from? From the shattered ones already? Oh please, don't even go there. I'm getting tired of this already."

"I won't force you. All these walls you're building up, one single soul will shatter them," my eyes widened at him, "It's not something bad I'm wishing for you, it's just what normally happens, and when that happens, you wouldn't realize it. But until then, let's take the baby steps first, I want you to see yourself differently, start by convincing yourself everyday that you're beautiful, that you're enough, that you're perfect. And here's one tip that could boos your confidence above every other thing, that no matter what anyone says about you, their opinions don't matter, won't matter, because, your biggest flex is that God loves you and still does and there's nothing they can do to change that fact. Start from there, start with that, write out all the positive things about yourself, and begin to convince yourself with that. During our next session, I'm hoping you'd be better  than this."

"You're saying to keep an open mind to the people around me, and accept their care for me, what happens when they switch up on me? After opening up to them,"

"Keep an open mind and let them care for you in whatever way they can, reciprocate that too, but don't let just anyone in, don't tell them every single thing about yourself, keep them close but at arms length. It's a gradual process you'll learn. You need people, but you need your personal space as well. You need to learn to balance that out,  but baby steps first. Change your view about yourself. Change your thinking, start seeinf yourself as being better than no one and no one being better than you. See yourself as running your own race in no competition with anyone. I know you'll make it through this as well. Now now, we have exceeded our time for the session, I should be heading home soon, I'll just ride you off to your ward."

"Thanks. For listening to all my rambling."

"I'm paid for it so thank you for increasing my account balance. But nevertheless, I'm glad to be of help. I love trying to help people like you, it gives me a different kind of joy." He said as he hung his back across his chest, turned off the lights in his office and rolled me out of his office."

"So what's your kind of guy Emily?"

"Why? Trying to see if you fit in to my league?" 

"You never know so why dont I try my luck. "

"I really don't put much into the physical aspect, except that you have to be taller than me, need to be taller than me, and also attractive, because I love to see fine guys though. But apart from that, I need a guy who's down to earth,  I was into the social butterfly  before,  seeing our pictures posted on social media platforms and all, being the couple goals," i said air quoting the couple goals,  

"But?" He asked

"But... now I need a lowkey relationship, where even my friends wouldn't know. I just don't want someone who's too out there, I just need someone with whom we can have ourselves for ourselves, but apart from all of this, all the guys I've met are basically the same with different packaging. Same old lines, same old talk, I need someone with whom I can trust, I trust his nature, I know him and what he can and cannot do, wanting to be treated differently from his other friends. I also want him in the packaging I want. Jaw dropping fine," I said squealing.  "And I'm not giving up on thag though if I intend on dating anyone finally, but I feel it's too far fetched, fine guys, hardly seem attracted to me, I'm always wondering why it's always been that way, if there's anything I'm doing wrong and all,"

"If they reciprocate the feelings, would you want to date them?"

"I haven't seen someone I want to date. Like I said, they're all the same, and I'm not interested, so we move on."

"We're here." He said as helped me open the door, taking me in, he helped up from the chair and on to my bed. 

"Well Miss Emily, it was a wonderful discussion we had today, hopefully you'll be in a better shape when next we meet. In the meantime, try reflecting on what I said, and don't forget the tasks Ieft for you. Till next time mademoiselle,  adios."

He walked out of the room shutting it behind him. I laid in my pillow, shutting my eyes, our discussion from earlier played in my head until I fell asleep.