chapter 5

I do not fear death. I fear a life without meaning.

Victor Mairo

   I didn't sleep well that night. I tossed and turned all night. The events of that day, still fresh in my mind. First, Brianna and Brian. Then, Tyler. I didn't know what I expected before, but frankly, it's not this. It had to end. I wasn't against Tyler, and I was against his methods. I was unprepared, and it wasn't just right. So, I decided that night, and I had to tell him.

   Morning came, but Tyler was nowhere to be found. We'd never gone to school separately except due to illness or any other unforeseen circumstance. But I was getting worried. I put it off my mind and walked to school, suddenly self-conscious about everything. I felt alone, and it was a feeling I hated, more than words can say. I had to admit, and I miss our jokes and laughter. I'm not going to lose my best friend because of feelings that will eventually fade. I needed my best friend back, and I know exactly how to get him. I pray it works.

  Immediately I got to school, Brianna waved at me from afar, this time, with Brian. For the first time that day, I gave a genuine smile. I was happy to see them. "You do know you owe me, right? I won the bet," Brianna said as her way of greeting the moment she got close enough. Ah damn. I'd already forgotten about that. Well, a bet is a bet.

  "Which bet?" Brian asked looking from me to her. Clueless. "Never mind," Brianna, and I said in unison. Then, we looked at each other and started laughing. Poor Brian, he was looking lost, like he was out of his element. Like a fish on solid ground. I bit back the urge to laugh again and faced Brianna.

  "So, what does M'lady want? A song? Or maybe, I should dance for you? I look really really weird doing that. I mean dancing," I said, gesticulating, motioning at myself. She just laughed and said... "As much as I'd love to see that, I have a different request for you. Would you mind sitting on the table with Brian and me for lunch? It gets pretty lonely staying alone sometimes," she said, sounding forlorn. I was torn between screaming for joy and keeping my cool. So, I did the only logical thing. I hugged her.

  "I thought you'd never ask. I'd be honored to join you for lunch," I said sincerely. "Wait, wait. What about me? Don't I get a hug too?" Brian said, feeling left out. I hugged him too, laughing all the while. "No homo, don't forget," Brian added as an afterthought. After a few seconds of silence, we all just started laughing. For the first time that day, I forgot about Tyler.

  We walked to class, three, as one. I didn't see Tyler anywhere. I was getting worried. It seems he wasn't in school. At all. Tyler never misses school. I do not like this. I could see the stares I was getting, being seen with the best catch in school. Literally.

  Lunchtime was worse, just coming out of my class, everybody jostling to talk to me, for no particular reason. Girls were deciding I was worth talking to after all this time. I hated the attention, and I hated how petty they were. Tyler would probably have made a joke and called them sissies, but he wasn't here. I need Tyler. Just to talk, laugh, and be the goofy idiots we were known to be. I was going to get my friend back. No matter the cost.

  "You know people are staring, right?" I asked Brianna and Brian as we walked to our table, trays of food on our arms. "Oh yeah, we know. We just don't care. Used to it already. It's no big deal, really," Brian replied as he munched his chicken. More like he devoured it, but I'm not one to judge. "What do you think, Brianna? Feel uncomfortable yet?" I asked Brianna, honestly intrigued. They were so at home with the popularity, not even fazed. Only one day and I felt stifled. It's suffocating. 

"The thing is, it gets old after a while. So Brianna, did you tell him yet? Brian asked, facing Brianna. Wait wait. Something wasn't adding up." Brianna? What's he talking about?" I asked, feeling trepidation at the response I was going to get. I'd always known it was too good to be true anyway. 

"Well, Dean, it's a long story, but I promise to tell you later," Brianna said, clearly uncomfortable. I didn't want to make her feel bad in any way. So, I dropped it altogether. "Never mind it, I'm just worried about Tyler. I'll check on him after school. I hope he's doing well, though." I was worried, rightfully so. 

  "He's your friend, go see him after school. And by the way, do you think we can hang out tomorrow after school? There's something I need to tell you. Very important," Brianna said standing, as the bell rang to signify the continuation of classes. 

  "Let's talk after class, and I have something I need to tell you too," I said, standing up too. "Well, that's great then. We will talk after class. In the meantime, I'll see you later." Brianna said as she and Brian walked away. 

  I walked to the parking lot immediately after class, actually intending to talk to Brianna about whatever issue she wanted to talk about, but then I saw the popular kids all around them. The ice has been broken at last. I saw Cain laughing with Brian about something, and Brianna looking as though she lost something. She was looking for me, but I decided to let her have her fun. I was going to see Tyler. 

  This time, I did not bother to ask; no one was home as usual, and I went in, no one in sight. I walked up the stairs making my signature sounds so Tyler would know it was me. I stopped at his door, and it was ajar. Tyler just lay on the bed, looking at the ceiling. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. 

  "Hey," I said standing at the door 

  "Hey" he replied still not looking at me 

  "May I come in?" I asked nervously. Tyler just laughed and said. "I never thought you'd ask that question one day." I felt terrible and sought to rectify it. 

  "Well, about yesterday, can we just take it slow? I'm not ready to lose this friendship. This is all too new to me. Let's just take it slow. Since I didn't see you in school today, I realized how much I miss you—our friendship. I'm not ready to lose all of this yet. Just give it time. You're my best friend, Tyler. You always will be. So, what say you? " I said all this without catching my breath. After a few seconds of silence, Tyler tacked me into a hug, and we burst out laughing. For now, all is well.