Kabanata 0008

c a t h e r i n e

Vernon held me under his gaze. All the while, I felt the bloom of wildflowers in my throat. Frozen air and weeping skies lined the dead silence that accompanied us for seconds. The gruesome hail outside the glass windows competed with his staggering gaze. Both were cruel and cold. But the latter drove my heart hammering against my frail chest.

It was a bold proclamation--one that forbid my brain to come up with any response

"You don't have to say anything." He turned away, angled his head down until what's left for me to see is the crown of his golden colored locks.

"Yeah. I can't come up with anything anyway."

My soft giggle came in synch with Vernon's nasal laugh. For a while, the silent sound of our suppressed laughter beat the angry rainfall. It was strangely, invigorating.

But in my silence, I swam in the ocean of questions. Why would he say such thing? I didn't even know if it was a flattering thing to hear. He would have done more than kissing me if it was consentual? Ironic how such confession came easy to him. I wonder if they ever bear any weight or meaning because certainly if they do, it wouldn't come sounding so non-chalant.

But then again, what use would it be if they're ever real? Whatever he says he feels will all be in vain. Perhaps, he mean to say he wanted to have sex with me if I have allowed him. That way, he wouldn't be accused of rape. Men crave sexual desires more than they crave of air to breath.

"Catherine." He called after a brief silence.

"Hmm?" I turned to him abruptly.

"Uh--"

Vernon tilted his head to look at me in a very hesitant manner.

"I have something to say-"

"Catherine." A familiar cold voice intervened.

My heartbeat froze before I could turn to face Lisa. A pile of books in between her arms and her eyes, so hideous are eyeing me and Vernon. To my startle, I stood quickly, dragged her away from Vernon without any word.

"Hey." I breathily greeted Lisa as we trailed the lockers.

"What is that?"

"What?"

"You're with Vernon!" She declared disgustingly.

I began to grow guilty. My eyes could not even meet hers as my palms gone sweaty. Why do I feel like I have to explain whatever I do to my friends? It's tiresome.

"Yeah. It was just a small chat."

"Like you were close huh." She remarked sarcastically.

"Come on. He's in our class. What's the big deal?" I tried to sound unaffected.

Lisa stopped on her tracks, making me do too. Her hard stare fixed sternly at me, looking like a mother about to give her child a beating.

"You must be unaware." Lisa gaped incredulously. It only heightened my unease.

"What?"

"Last weekend someone saw the both of you emerging from the same bedroom. Apparently, you looked distressed and hurried, like you were running away."

It took me seconds to comprehend. Her words did not register quickly. But when they did, the news made me frozen, with the ghost of shiver crawling down my spine. I felt like a criminal caught in the act. There's no room to hide my surprise and guilt.

Perhaps, I might have looked hurried because I did feel scared but not of Vernon, of Jackson instead. Scared that he might find us there, I meant to leave the bedroom with no signs. Yet here, Lisa is telling me someone saw us.

"Tell me, Catherine, you made out with him?" Lisa narrowed her eyes.

"What? No!" I blurted defensively but it only fed Lisa's suspicion.

"Then, what?"

"I don't know, Lisa. Someone must have mistakened it. I wasn't with him--"

"You know, there are photos, Cath. I can help you protect yourself if you'll only be honest with me."

A lump grew in my throat. All my guards have went down. There is no escape. I felt trapped. Why the fuck will someone snap photos of us?

"Are you sure? Why would they take our photos?"

"Oh dear, to make an issue of course! I mean, you're a well-off popular girl, the daughter of the school principal and Vernon..." Lisa made a face.

"He's a junkie." She continued.

"And all of a sudden, you guys are making out! Rumors wil ruin your reputation."

Fuck my reputation. But I would never want to drag my father's name in my mischief. Then Jackson. What would he do if he finds out? The thought of him possibly killing Vernon..it tormented me. It scared the hell out of me.

Completely distraught now, my inability to think rationally has gone. Tears welled up my eyes as the knot around my chest grew tighter by the second. Lisa's measuring stare only aggravated my hopelessness.

"It's nothing, Lisa." I insisted.

"Come on, Cath. What really happened?" She advanced towards me and held my shoulders as both her eyes wouldn't stop sudying me.

"We didn't do anything, really." My voice quivered under pressure.

Well, we did makeout but I couldn't admit to that! My dad would kill me if that ever spreads around the campus.

"Then, he raped you?"

The question rang in my ears painfully.

"What?! Lisa, no!" My voice thundered at the accusation. I couldn't believe Lisa would come to such conclusion.

"He attempted to rape you then?"

"No!" I uttered hopelessly.

Lisa weighed me against her stare. One moment, she looked concerned then would eye me longer, and the suspicion would resurface.

"It's okay, Cath."

To my surprise, she pulled me into an embrace. Her palm brushed my back in a consoling manner. My brain was haywired, all my thoughts are scattered and non could come up with the ability to fix these sudden pile of problems. I could only care less about myself but I couldn't let something stain my cloak of perfection. Not ever. Not because I don't want to but because I can't.

"You must be drunk and you don't remember it." Lisa proceeded.

"But he must have did so." She whispered consolingly.

I can't tell Lisa I was drugged and that because of it, I made out with Vernon. That wouldn't sound any better, wouldn't save my ass from horrible rumors. A slut who forced a guy for a drug-driven sexual endeavor is what I would appear. It won't save me from my father's wrath either. He'd blame me for being so irresponsible. Saying so would be digging my own grave.

My enstrangled sobs made noises in the wide hallways. I cried because I succumbed myself into this mess. I cried because it was such a fucked up world to constantly deal with the society's judgement. But more so, I cried because to save myself, I did not even defend Vernon.