chapter 43

Astar Levi’s eyes were open, but all he could see and hear was noise.

His mind could not register nor comprehend a single thing. As if he was not an intelligent being but a wild beast, ruled only by subconscious urges.

He hung suspended in between consciousness and unconsciousness. Unable to think but still able to feel everything.

And everything was wrong. All wrong. Uncomfortable, unbearable, irritating.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Every fiber of his being instinctively thrashed about, trying to escape from the mire that entangled him. He wanted to destroy it all, to eliminate, to expel the irregularity.

Yet, the more he struggled, the more unbearable it all became.

Until there was nothing left of him but madness.

He could not even tell what it was that he felt. Every intense emotion known to man mixed together inside of him into a collage of entropy. Pure chaos, an anarchy of terror, panic, fury, despair, and agony.

Suffocated underneath everything that wasn’t him, he felt himself cracking at the seams.

Yet, staring at his own end, he could only feel relief.

He only wished for it all to end.

For everything to just stop.

It was at that very moment that he felt something.

Weak and subtle, yet among the noise, it was incomparably clear.

It weaved through the madness towards him, a weak little stream yet, wherever it passed, the seas of chaos parted to make way.

Everything around him was wrong.

Everything but this single little thing.

The most gentle and beautiful thing in existence.

It was right as much as everything else was wrong.

No. It was more than right. It was an incarnation of perfection.

Levi turned towards it, reached out towards it, but he couldn’t grasp it.

He could only look but not touch. Silently crave it, watch it covetously within the chaos.

Levi felt the darkness tighten around him. Trying to envelop him, devour him.

But he, who had previously only wished for everything to end, now only wanted to look at it longer.

Watch it until the very end.

Oh, how beautiful it was.

But it wasn’t his.

He felt himself fading within the noise.

But then, he heard it weakly call out to him.

Soft and quiet, yet its voice was so resonant that his heart could hear it clearly even through the noise.

It was like flickering candlelight in the night. The shadows crowded around it, wishing to engulf it. Yet it bravely stood its ground, refusing to be extinguished.

It edged closer and closer to him.

So close, yet so far.

Closer, almost within reach.

And then, finally, he felt its touch. So warm, so soft, so perfect.

The moment it enveloped Levi, it was as if something exploded within him. The deafening noise turned into silence. The shadows that pulled him into the abyss suddenly lost their strength.

Now when he struggled, the chains binding him crumbled easily, as if made of sand.

That beautiful flickering light dimmed, but the darkness was no longer able to oppose it. The shadows could only quietly and motionlessly stay in their corner until they completely dispersed.

The chaos slowly turned into order. And with it, Levi’s mind regained its ability to comprehend the world around him.

The day was bright; the sky was baby blue.

There was something stiff digging into his back as he laid sprawled on the ground. The hard marble floor was cold. But there was something soft and warm lying on top of him.

Strands of silk tickled his nose, both with their texture and their divine scent.

Levi’s arms tightened around the warmth in his bosom, never wishing to let it go.

So soft. So warm.

So wet.

Drip. Drop.

Levi’s lips trembled. As the fog from his mind lifted, dread took its place. Rigidly he looked down.

A fluffy head that he loved to pet was nestling under his neck.

One lovely pale ear peeked from within the silky hair.

Drip. Drop.

From within the lovely little ear trickled a crimson stream, down the cute little earlobes, sliding all the way down to the tips of the silky hair. And then, it dripped down the slender white neck, all the way down until…

…Until, finally, the glaring crimson liquid was soaked up by Levi’s black shirt.

The natural soothing that still trickled out of Noah’s body into Levi’s was weakening.

With horror, Levi realized that he couldn’t feel the little one’s chest rising.

Levi cradled the little one in his trembling arms and attempted to get up. Yet his usually well-coordinated body failed him at this moment. His limbs had no strength to push the two of them up from the ground.

He wanted to perform CPR, but he couldn’t even lay the little one on the ground. The stiff thing digging into Levi’s back turned out to be the little one’s arms. His slender arms, tightly wrapped around Levi’s torso, had stiffened; Levi couldn’t pry them open.

Along with Levi’s growing terror, his breaths also grew ragged until he was hyperventilating. Yet, no matter how much air he took in, the suffocating feeling in his chest only grew.

Every breath he took in was a breath that his precious darling didn’t take in.

The sirens of the incoming ambulances seemed to be not minutes but lightyears away.

Levi tilted the little one’s head upwards to face him. His baby’s face was bloodless, so pasty white that his plump red lips looked like a patch of blood within the snow.

Levi’s vision blurred. He clumsily pinched Noah’s chin to part his lips and pressed his own quivering ones on top of his darling’s.

Oh, how Levi had dreamed of kissing those lovely pink lips. Yet now, that the moment had arrived, he only wished for it to have never happened.

Even if he could only look and never touch, it would be better than this.

He had been so greedy, wishing to possess his baby in every way, but right now, he was ready to give everything, promise anything, just so he could see his lively darling once again.

Even… even if he could only secretly watch him from a distance for the rest of his life, he’d… he’d be willing.

‘So, please, baby, please, breathe!’

Levi let out the biggest exhale he was capable of, feeling the chest on top of his expand. The motionless body in Levi’s embrace twitched, and the head slid out of Levi’s hands.

Levi’s heart jumped in his throat. He tried to pinch Noah’s chin again several times, only to find that the smooth skin had turned wet and slippery.

Levi’s heart sunk, thinking that his baby had spewed out a mouthful of blood, but after blinking his eyes clear, he realized that the liquid was clear and came from himself.

Astar Levi… never knew that he too was capable of shedding tears.

For as long as he could remember, he, the pampered and treasured heir of Astarea, had never cried before.

Levi closed his bloodshot eyes tightly, the long black eyelashes clumping together. Finally, he managed to grab Noah’s chin again to exhale another heavy breath.

Noah’s motionless body finally moved. He curled up like a little shrimp in Levi’s embrace and weakly coughed. But instead of oxygen rushing into his lungs, only mouthfuls of blood came out.

Author Note:

Thinking of how Levi’s and Noah’s first kiss was under such circumstances... makes this author’s nose feel a bit stuffy. I’ve really wronged my darlings, ah. Have to make it up to them with lots and lots of sugar later.