chapter 5

Even though I’m working through the pile of reports that I still have on my desk, my mind is somewhere else. I can feel myself swimming inside my own head, it’s as if I was drowning in a deep ocean of endless thoughts. I’m contemplating on what I just did a while ago.

I’m fully aware that answering a father - yes, I’m counting James as a father - is the perfect example of being a bad child. But in my defense, how can you stand someone who talks down to you? He keeps on acting that he knows me when he really doesn’t. He never took the time to know me when I was young. How dare he pretend that he knows me from the inside out?

A knock startled me, making me jump from my seat.

“Who is it?” I replied, not lifting my attention from the report I’m currently reading.

The door opened and my page entered with a bow. “Your Highness, Her Royal Majesty is here to see you.”

Hearing my mother’s title made me look at him. “Please, let her in,” I quickly organized my desk as he went and fetched my mother.

I dusted off my clothes as I stood up, preparing myself to greet her.

A few seconds later, Mother finally entered and closed the door, fully coming into the room.

“Mother,” I kissed her cheek as she walked towards me. I gestured to the chair by the window for us to sit.

“Why did you have to do that, Robert?” she asked, calm yet concerned.

I groaned on the inside. I knew she was going to talk about what I just did. Now, she’s the one to lecture me. Why does she and Elizabeth always stand up for James? I don’t understand how they could defend him constantly.

“I don’t understand Mother,” I said, sitting down across from her.

“Your father was trying his best to make a connection with you in the dining hall,” she said. Please don’t tell me she believed what James said about that. “Why did you have to treat him so coldly?”

I sighed as I looked down to my feet. “Mother, if he’s claiming that he’s making a connection, I’m sorry but I don’t see it. I can’t feel that he’s even trying.”

“It’s because you never gave him a chance,” she bent closer towards me. “You would always close your door on him.”

“Mother, I gave him a lot of chances ever since I was a young boy,” I explained. “During almost half of my life, I was giving him a chance to prove himself to me. And yet, he failed me.”

She put her hand on mine. “You may not believe this but your father loves you very much, my son. You don’t know how much you mean to him,” she said, rubbing my hand in comfort. “Please give him another chance.”

As much as I love my mother and I don’t have the power to refuse her, I can’t just give James another chance; another opportunity to disappoint me. Yes, it’s too much to ask from me because he has numerous occasions in the past to prove himself as a father. He never took those chances.

Another knock came on my door. “Who is it?” I turned to the door.

The door opened and Gonzalo entered. “Your Highness. Your Majesty,” he bowed to both of us. “The Princess Lorain has sent a letter to you,” he turned to me.

I nodded. “Do you have the letter with you now?”

“I had your page hold onto it while you and Her Majesty talk,” he replied.

“Thank you. You may leave.”

He took another bow and left the room.

“Mother, I have to respond to Princess Lorain’s letter,” I said as I turned back to her.

“Of course,” she answered as we stood up from our chairs. “Just promise me you’ll think about what I said.”

“Yes, Mother, anything for you,” I smiled, kissing her hand afterwards.

She laid a gentle peck on my forehead after she wrapped me in her warm embrace. And with a smile, she gracefully left my study.

“Page?” I called out, heading back to my desk.

My page entered, carrying a silver platter on his hand that had the letter on it. He put it in front of me as I sat down.

“Thank you.”

He took his bow and left the room silently as if he had no feet.

As the door closed behind him, I put the tray aside and continued to read the report that I was taking care of before Mother arrived.

Princess Lorain is the princess of the Kingdom of Middle Earth, my fiancée. As we’re not allowed to personally meet each other, we were allowed to send letters to one another to build some sort of connection between the two of us. And in her letters, she’s such a gentle woman. And she tells me all of her thoughts. She doesn’t hold anything back from me.

We have become each other’s support through the chaotic world of monarchy. As I have a difficult relationship with James, so does she with her mother. We became good friends over the past years that we’ve been communicating. She’s always been respectful of my space and some of the things I’ve decided to keep private.

With care, I opened her letter and it reads:

Hello, Your Highness!

I trust that you’re having a month more than I am. There’s no sign of anything good or new with my life, much less on my relationship with my mother.

She has put additional pressure on me on being the perfect wife for you. She’s been forcing me to learn certain “skills” that she deemed to be needed in a married life. She’s certainly much more invested in our marriage than we are.

How about you? Please tell me what you can as I find it interesting, knowing that it helps me to understand you a lot more.

I would love to write more but unfortunately, I have violin lessons after this. I will wait patiently for your reply.

Your good friend, Princess Lorain.

My heart ached for her. With every stroke that she made on this letter, I could tell that she wanted to tell me all of her grievances but she doesn’t have the time. I understand that part of her life because when our marriage was agreed on by our parents, they expected a lot more from us as future rulers. They made us do even more tasks and some are outright baffling because it’s not even connected to being married.

At this point, no one would want to hear what we have to say. Our only option is to do what they want for us to do. Our only source of comfort would be each other.

I grabbed a pen and paper:

Hello, my lady.

It seems our month has been both insufferable.

Every day that passes by has become even more terrible than the other. I just pray that this doesn’t kill me early during our reign together.

Like you, my relationship with James is far from recovery. He did attempt today to make a connection with me. At least, that’s what his attempt meant for him. However, my heart didn’t accept it because I don’t think he’s making enough efforts to do something else.

I pray that by the time you read this, you would have a better day. Respond to me when you have the time.

Your good friend, Prince Robert.

I folded the letter and as I stamped my royal seal, I called for my page and he rushed into the room. “Here’s my response to Princess Lorain’s letter. Have it sent out immediately,” I handed the silver platter, the letter already on top of it.

“Yes, Your Highness. I’ll have the messenger leave immediately,” he bowed as he received it. Without a moment to lose, he went on his way.

I let out a sigh as I laid back on my chair. Looking at the pile of unfinished reports, I began to feel unenthusiastic to do so. I know it’s part of my royal duties but having a tall stack of reports on your desk every single day isn’t a good view to look at.

Another knock came on my door.

“Yes?” I answered.

The door opened and it was Gonzalo, holding the basket that I told him to hide.

“Your Highness,” he bowed. “I checked the contents of the basket, if you don’t mind. And I saw an apple pie. I’m afraid it might go rotten so I thought maybe you would like to finish it now.”

“Oh, yes, of course,” I started to clear a spot on the desk in front of me. Gonzalo took out the pie from the basket and gently laid it down in front of me. He also pulled out a fork from inside his coat.

I gave him a strange look, perplexed as he handed over the fork to me.

“I know that having a spare fork in my coat isn’t normal to see, Your Highness,” he commented without hesitation.

“Yes, Gonzalo, it is a bit… odd to see you pull out a fork from your coat,” I agreed, laughing nervously.

“I also have a spare spoon and knife with me, Your Highness,” he informed me. “Since I cater to your every need, I have to be prepared… even with utensils.”

I nodded with a smile. “I guess your kind of preparation is indeed needed. Thank you.”

He bowed and left.

I took one good look at the pie, remembering who made it. I could clearly see her face in my mind. I closed my eyes… and I could see her smiling, the sun radiating right behind her, making the brown shade of her hair stand out. Those adorable freckles under her eyes and on the bridge of her nose. And just her smile… is pure sunshine in itself. I took a deep breath as I opened my eyes, cutting out a piece from the pie.

One bite… one bite and all I can say, with full confidence, that this is a great pie! I kept on digging into the pie, not even thinking of stopping. Grandpa Ben wasn’t wrong when he warned me about the pie. Except for the pies that Mother and Nana Olsa makes for me, this is one of the best pies I’ve tasted.

Every bite I took, I remember her. Knowing she made this herself and possibly, with her heart, every bite out of this pie is a moment that I carefully revel in.

After finishing the whole pie, I wanted more. Not of the pie but of her. I wanted to see more of her.

I’m making my way to the kitchen, the stables as my end point. I was passing by through the hallways when I heard someone call out to me. “Robert?”

I stopped, turning around immediately. It was Nana Olsa. I walked back, meeting her halfway. “Hello, Nana,” I greeted, taking her into my arms.

“What happened during lunch, son?” she asked as we pulled away from our hug.

“Nana, I don’t want to have this discussion right now,” I complained.

She gently held onto my arm. “Walk with me son,” she requested.

I let out a sigh and nodded in defeat. We then made our way to the garden.

“Son,” she started as we entered the garden. “Your father is an affectionate man. Everything that’s important to him, he holds them with great care. The only problem with him is he doesn’t know how to express it so he rarely shows any kind of emotion.”

“How is that the case, Nana?” I asked.

“It’s because of what happened to your grandparents. They loved each other with all their hearts,” Nana began to tell a story. “But she couldn’t handle the pressures of being a royal. Your grandfather was ready to sacrifice everything for her but she feared for your father and his siblings.”

“Elizabeth said the same thing but it happened between James and Mother,” I replied as my brows furrowed, baffled.

She nodded. “When your grandmother left, your grandfather was heartbroken. Because of what happened to them, your father closed his heart in order to protect himself from getting hurt like your grandfather. He started to care less about you and your sister,” she continued. “What happened to your grandparents happened to your parents. But your mother decided to stay in order to keep you and your sister safe. Your father regretted that he didn’t show you that he loved you when you were a child. That’s why he’s trying to connect with you now.

“Did he send you to talk to me, Nana? Can’t he just walk up to me and explain everything to me himself?”

“Young one,” she stopped us in the middle of the garden, turning to one another. “How could he explain everything to you when you treat him so coldly? He’s already trying to make a connection with you but you don’t want to accept it.”

Can’t he understand that I don’t feel it? I don’t even see that he’s trying to be a father to me. If he truly is trying to be a father to my sister and me, he should be putting more effort into his actions. Trust isn’t easy to build, most especially to rebuild. Trying to repair a broken trust is the same as playing with a broken mirror: it’s impossible.

“I’m not asking you to consider it now, son,” she smiled at me. “I just want you to think about it.

Mother and Elizabeth have already asked me for this favor. I just don’t understand why they keep on asking me to think about it. I let out a sigh. “I will, Nana, for you.”

“No, son. Do it for your father and for yourself,” she blocked my reply. “You two must connect with one another. You don’t know how much he wants you to see him as a father, not just in title.”

I just gave a nod. I don’t want to say anything else because if I opened my mouth, I will only disagree with her even more. After those two clashes with James and scolding from my mother and sister, I’ve had enough for today. “I have to go, Nana. I’ll see you later when I return.” I kissed her on her forehead.

“Where are you going?” she stopped me, holding onto my arm.

I thought for a moment as I must be cautious with what I’m about to say. “Somewhere that’s not within the castle grounds. You did say I should think about it so I’m going to go and have a change of scenery.”

She cupped my face with her gentle hands. “Do be careful.”

I nodded and proceeded to the stables.

I was busy preparing Lady for another stroll to the Mortal Realm when a hand suddenly attached itself to my arm. I looked and saw Mallory, her eyes puffed and almost red.

She must have been crying all this time.

I sighed as I shook my head. “Mallory, I don’t have the time to do this with you. I have to be somewhere else right now.”

“Please give me a chance to be with you, Robert,” she said. “Give me a chance to prove to you that I can love you more than any woman can. Let me prove myself to you.”

“You already have, Mallory. You’ve proven yourself to be a good friend and sister to me. Let that be the end of it between the two of us,” I slowly removed her hand from my arm. However, as soon as I got it off, she clung to my arm with both hands. “Mallory, don’t you feel sorry for yourself?” I continued, completely irritated. “Do you want me to paint a picture on how desperate you look right now?”

“I don’t care about what I look like, Robert,” she whined. “All I want is a chance to call you mine.”

When will she give up? Can’t she just accept the fact that in her lifetime and mine, there will never be a chance for us because right from the beginning, there was never a chance?

I scraped my hand across my face out of frustration. I just want her to leave me alone. I just want for this conversation, this matter to end here. “Mallory, what do I have to do to make you stop bothering me? What can I do to make you stop crying every time you and I would bump into each other in this castle?”

She held my hand as I could see a glimmer of hope coming from her tired eyes. “Will you do anything just to make me stop crying?”

As she asked that question, I immediately regretted what I said. She’s going to take advantage of what I just said. But if this is the only solution for her to stop disturbing my peace every time an opportunity arises… might as well do what needs to be done.

I pulled my hand back from her grip. “As I recall, you mentioned that if you’re given even just a chance to be with me, you’ll stop bothering me, correct? You’ll stop this overly-dramatic act that you’re currently doing right in front of me, correct?”

“Uh, yes, I did say that,” she quickly nodded.

I let out a sigh; not of relief but of defeat. I know that if I get into a relationship with her, it would be difficult for me because I have to pretend and lie to her that I love her. And if I ended the relationship, it will be even more difficult for her.

“I’ll make you a deal, Mallory,” I answered, crossing my arms. “But whatever is in this deal, that is only what I can do for you. Nothing more, nothing less. Do you understand?”

She nodded, paying full attention to what I’m about to say.

“I’ll give you the chance to be with me just so I don’t have to deal with this melodramatic scene for the rest of my life,” I started. “We can be a couple only until I turn twenty-one thousand years old. I think that’s a fair chance for you.”

“Really? You would do that… for me?” she asked, her tone became hopeful. She also started to smile amidst the tears running down her cheeks.

“I’m only doing this because you said you wanted to. And I don’t want to see you crying every time we bump into each other. I don’t like it when people are sad, especially when it’s because of me,” I explained.

She quickly locked me in her arms, saying, “I love you so much, Robert.”

I removed her as fast as I could, my face not amused.

“Please do not do that.”

“Why?” she hugged me once more but I removed her again. “Robert, I just wanted to show you how much I love you.”

“First of all, you’ve told me too many times today and it’s getting annoying,” I replied. “Second, I don’t like being touched or hugged by anyone other than my mother, my sister and Nana Olsa. Don’t expect me to be all loving and sweet, whether it’s in public or in private.”

“Does that mean I can’t even hold your hand in the castle grounds?” she asked, confused.

“Yes, that is also included.”

“But why? If we’re a couple, what’s wrong with that? Shouldn’t we be proud of our love?”

“Mallory, you’re being delusional. I already told you: I don’t love you the same way you love me,” I repeated. “And I’m being careful with my image. My family’s reputation is very important to me and I must protect it.”

“Are you saying that all you care about is your image? You don’t care about what we have?”

“Mallory, this relationship I’m offering you isn’t of any value to me. I value our friendship but if you’re asking me to do the same with this so-called relationship, I can’t do that. I agreed to this so you would stop with your endless proclamations of love,” I explained. “And if I don’t care about my image, we could lose everything. And if that happens, you would love everything as well. Would you want that for yourself? Would you want that for Nana?”

She stood quiet for a moment, staring into nothingness. “Robert… you said we’re now a couple. But you don’t look like you’re happy about it.”

“Because I’m not, Mallory,” I replied, turning around and locking Lady’s saddle in place.

“Then why did you agree if you don’t even want it in the first place?”

I groaned. I don’t know if she’s deaf or she’s playing dumb because I’ve explained this already and she’s asking me the same thing over and over again. “Mallory, didn’t it really occur to you?” I asked as I turned around to her. “I did it for you.”

Her lips slowly formed a smile and hugged me again. “You do love me,” she uttered.

I removed her arms from me, holding them firmly as I looked into her eyes. “Let me repeat this again for you, Mallory: I did it because I want you to stop professing your love to me. I didn’t do it because of feelings,” I let go of her hands.

“You really can’t love me?” her eyes started to swell again.

I closed my eyes as I let out a sigh, my hands on my waist. I have somewhere I want to be and Mallory is just becoming a nuisance now. “Mallory, no matter what you say or do, I love you as my sister. All I can give you is friendship.”

“Now that we’re a couple, why don’t you try loving me for real?” she asked as she started to cry.

I sighed as I made sure that the saddle is locked in place. I then turned back to her. “Mallory,” I gently wiped her tears. “Look, I agreed that I will be yours until my next birthday. A year isn’t enough to know if you truly love someone.”

She sniffled. “I know you can’t offer any more than what you incorporated within the deal but… can’t we be together for the rest of our lives?”

“You know I can’t Mallory,” I replied. “You know that I already have a fiance. And once I turn twenty-one thousand years of age, we’re to be wed.”

“So, you’d rather marry someone you don’t even know than to be with someone who knew you since birth?”

“Mallory, I have no other choice. It’s a decree from my parents and hers,” I answered, hopping onto Lady after. “And like what I’ve said many times already: I see you as my sister. Therefore, I can’t be with you.”

And with that, I gave Lady a light kick on her side and we went on our way back to the Mortal Realm.