chapter 18

The Us Before

**

Nag-unat ako nang matapos ko na ang huling homework ko. Hindi naman ganoon karami ang gawain for school as of now, pero sanay kasi akong trabahuin ang homeworks due for the next week kapag Friday.

In that way, I'll have enough time for myself on the weekends.

Napatingin ako sa calendar na nasa table ko. I flipped the page para makita ang dates for October.

May isang petsa na naka encircle, it falls on Friday too. Buti na lang.

Niligpit ko na ang mga gamit ko para makapag pahinga na. Tumungo ako sa banyo para maghilamos na rin.

Pagkatapos no'n ay nahiga na ako sa kama ko at nag cellphone muna dahil hindi pa 'ko dinadalaw ng antok. I hugged my pillow habang nag i-scroll ng mapapanuod sa youtube. I decided to watch some café vlogs as it's really relaxing.

After I got bored watching, unconsciously ay napadaan ako sa inbox at tinignan ang mga huling text sa'ki ni Lei. I kept reading our conversations and I don't why I feel kind of guilty? I didn't do anything bad anyway?

Maybe it's because of the way he stared at me kanina?

I clicked his number at inisip kung ise-save iyon. In the end, I decided to save it.

It's just a number anyway.

I was done typing his name on the information section nang bigla ay tumawag ito. Weird timing.

Naiisip n'ya kaya na iniisip ko s'ya?

I stared at my phone for a few seconds, iniisip kung sasagutin ba 'to.

Why is he calling at ten in the evening anyway? It's late.

I swiped the answer button at pinindot ang loudspeaker.

I sighed before I spoke. "Why?" bungad ko rito.

He didn't respond immediately, though rinig ko ang paghinga n'ya.

"Ba't hindi ka pa natutulog?" pagbabalik nito ng tanong. His voice sounds like a warm pillow as he spoke from the other line, it feels so serene.

Napakamot ako sa kilay ko. "Do you need something?"

"Uh, no. I just want to check if you're doing okay," sagot nito.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko bago ulit magsalita.

"Well yeah, I'm okay. Bakit?" naguguluhang sambit ko rito.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

"I was just thinking... is it okay for me to visit him on the 16th?" I can feel his hesitation when he asked me that.

When he muttered the word him and 16th, something inside of me sparked. But not a good kind of spark, this one is infuriating.

Pinasadahan ko nang tingin ang kalendaryo sa study table ko. Iyon ang nakabilog na petsa for next month, the one that falls on Friday.

"Kapag sinabi ko bang hindi, 'di ka rin pupunta?" tanong ko rito.

Remembering that day is so painful, it's like a fresh wound, or a scab that you scratch to take off because you thought your wound is already healed.

"Then I'll just visit on the next day, or the day before the 16th," aniya.

Hindi naman ako selfish, Lei and him are bestfriends. They were the ones who were so close bago pa 'ko dumating.

"It's your choice, you can go on and visit him any day that you want, 'di mo na kailangan magpaalam pa sa'kin," sagot ko rito.

Lei's old enough to decide on his own.

It took a few seconds again bago ito sagot.

"Hmmmm... okay then, kumain ka na ba?" pagiiba nito ng topic. I was dumbfounded by his question.

Just when I thought it would be this sad melodramatic call, bigla s'yang magtatanong ng ganoon.

Napangiwi naman ako, "It's 10 in the evening, Lei. Of course, I already ate," I said.

"No, I mean... midnight snack?"

I scoffed, "It's not yet midnight."

"Edi late night snacks," sagot nito.

I clicked my tongue dahil sa irita ko rito.

"Matulog ka na, ipahinga mo na 'yang mga braincells mo dahil pakaunti sila ng pakaunti. Baka bukas ubos na 'yan," pagpapaalam ko rito.

"But I still want to talk," pamimilit nito.

"Ano naman ang paguusapan natin?" tanong ko.

"Anything. Ano ba ang gusto mo?" ramdam kong nabuhayan ang boses nito.

Ang galing ah? Ako pa magiisip ng topic.

"In-add kita sa FB, i-accept mo 'ko please," biglang sabi n'ya.

I let out a sigh. "I'll drop the call, inaantok na 'ko. Night, bangungutin ka sana," mabilis na paalam ko rito, may sasabihin pa sana 'to kaso binaba ko na ang tawag.

Agad ko rin nakita ang notification na in-add nga ako nito. I blocked him on his previous account, kaya for sure ay bago 'to.

I decided to ignore it for the mean time at in-off na ang cellphone ko, I placed it on the bed side table and tucked myself in already so I can feel comfy para naman makatulog na 'ko. Medyo maginaw din dahil umuulan.

Unfortunately, no matter how many times I switched sleeping positions ay hindi ko alam kung bakit naalibadbaran ako at tila hindi makatulog.

Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakahiga, pero bigla akong nagulat nang biglang kumulog. Mukhang lalakas pa lalo ang ulan. It kind of adds to the gloomy feel of this evening.

Tumungo ako sa bintana para isara 'to, bahagya pala kasi 'yon na nakabukas.

I used to be scared of the sound of thunders, well noong medyo bata pa naman ako noon. May pagkamagugulatin kasi ako.

Naalala ko tuloy noong nakikitulog pa 'ko sa kabilang kwarto para may kasama ako. I miss those days, those were one of the best days.

Back then, nagmo-movie night and sleep over kaming tatlo: me, Lei and him. Kahit ako ang nag-iisang babae sa'ming tatlo, add the fact that I'm six years younger than them, hindi naman masama. It's all normal 'cause the two of them were my big brothers and my bestfriends.

They're the best people that I used to have.

Pero may mga bagay na nangyari. Na in love ako kay Lei, pero hindi naman nito naapektuhan ang relationship naming tatlo.

I remember talking about my feelings towards Lei with him, and it's funny on how he told me that Lei was also hesitant to confess to me back then. Syempre dahil magkababata kaming tatlo, things will be kind of awkward.

I went to my bookshelf kung saan makikitang nakapatong ang picture naming tatlo. Nakaakbay silang dalawa ni Lei sa'kin, 16th birthday ko nito.

It was like a double celebration, malapit na kasi silang matapos sa thesis at almost two months na lang ay ga-graduate na sila pareho.

It was the happiest day of my life, kita 'yun sa mga ngiti ko sa litrato.

The two of them promised that they'll buy me a lot of stuff, take me to places and more after they graduate, find a job, and can pay the bills on their own. It turns out they were empty promises after all.

Ilang buwan lang ang lumipas after ng 16th birthday ko, the both of them left me.

Ang daya nilang dalawa, parehas nila akong iniwan.

My fingers met the glass of the frame that separates the skin of my fingertips from the photograph, I bitterly smiled as I caress it. How ironic that this is the happiest day of my life, but seeing this picture is so agonizing that even that word or any word is enough to explain how I feel.

Dati hinihiling ko lang na sana bumalik na kayong dalawa. Ngayon naman na nandito na si Lei, siya kaya kailan s'ya babalik?

It's futile to wish for him to come back dahil alam kong hindi na 'to babalik pa. He went somewhere far, somewhere I can't reach.

"I know that the three of us are not going to be complete again... but there's not a day that I don't miss you, Kuya," sambit ko. I was caressing his figure on the photo dahil ito na lang naman ang magagawa ko.

In the end, there's nothing more painful than longing for you everyday. Please tell me, how can I even forget this pain, Kuya?

Just how?

**