chapter 61

"Now your father regrets spending a dime on you. You just want to make me suffer the more," my mom cried on the other end of the phone. I sat on my bed, hands cold from fear, "he's very angry right now. Why are you such a disappointment? What do you want me to do to make you realize the importance of why you're there? I have stayed in this marriage, because of you! Because of your siblings!! I had every chance to walk away but I stayed and this is how you want to repay me?!! He'll divorce me, he'll marry another and then you'll realise you've lost everything. And that day I will curse you and will never forgive you. I am highly disappointed in you." Once again, I wasn't given a chance to explain myself. 

Everytime I always took the blame for what I never did. Why bother to fight when they've already satisfied themselves with the answer they want to hear? 

Even from being miles apart, her words pierced my heart so deeply.

She was right. I was a big disappointment. A good for nothing . I wasn't making A's in school, I literally didn't do anything out of the ordinary,  

'I am highly disappointed in you.' Her words replayed in my head like a song.

'He'll divorce me, he'll narry another and then you'll realise you've lost everything. And that day I will curse you and will never forgive you.'

I gripped the ends of my bed as my phone fell, the words echoed in my head, causing a knotting feeling in my stomach. 

"Why would you create me just to be a disappointment?" The question kept running in my mind, I was asking God why he had to punish my mother with a child like me, 

"She served you all her life, she sacrificed for you, so why? Why punish her with a child like me? Why cause her so  much disappointment, what kn earth is my use if I'm such a disappointment?" With weak limbs and fast racing heartbeat, I grabbed the razor in my locker  and locked myself in the bathroom. Sitting in the tub, with the shower running cold, I shut my eyes, all I could see was disappointment capitalized in bold letters, I couldn't remember anything good, 

"You're a disgrace," with every memory came a cut to my skin, from the top of mt arm, down to my wrist, 

"I regret having you as a daughter."

"Had you not had striking resemblance to your father, I would have said they exchanged my child at the hospital because you act nothing like me" 

I could see the blood flow out of skin, wash away in the tub, with tears in my eyes, I cut again,

"I didn..." she slapped me across the face, 

"You dare lie to me!!!!"

"Bu...." she slapped me again. With that, I didn't try. I took it all in... That's when I blacked out. I'd cut deep into my wrist,  I kept watching the blood the ooze out, it was painful, but I lost the voice to scream, I lost the will to fight. 

At that moment, I was ready to die. Ready to let it all go. If only she'd be rid of the constant disappointment. I could feel everything pause, like time itself had stopped. 

I don't know how many hours I was gone for, but opening my eyes, I realized I was still alive, hot tears began to stream down my face. 

"Emily!!" Tori rushed to my side, her expression mixed with sadness and joy,

"Are you okay? How are you feeling?"

"Why did you...." i wanted to scream at her for saving my life, but seeing as she was all flushed out, I kept it in, looking away,  

"Do you know if my parents know?"

"I wanted to tell..."

"Don't. " I wasn't fully recovered, my vision was blurred, "how long?"

"Two days. You had me scared, I thought I lost you. Hannah has been crying non-stop, my brain stopped working the moment Todd broke down the door and we found you in a pool of your own blood with a razor in hand.  I shouldn't have left you, I should have stayed with you," her words were flat out unimportant to me, I wasn't interested anymore in anyone who cared.

Caring had become overrated. 

Compassion became far from me.

Kindness seemed to be deleted from my dictionary. 

I was a total mess. I knew I was. I had locked myself up tighter than before. 

I started seeing guys differently. They'd lie all they want in the beginning, they'd make you theirs and then turn to a beast later on. 

I had a whole lot of fears, and I was grateful for them, they kept me on guard, prevented me from catching feelings. 

"Doctor Fred," he stretches his arm to me, I politely declined it. He's supposed to be my therapist, but who sets up a hot therapist for a patient who barely survived the claws of death,

"Emily I suppose," he said as he sat on his chair smiling at me, I quickly searched his finger for a wedding band, 

"Searching for something?" He asked. I looked back at him, shaking my head immediately, then placed my head back down, staring at the floor.

"How do you feel today?" He asked. Was I supposed to say I felt better with the treatment and all when all I really wanted to do was die all over again? 

I supposed not. So i simply nodded my head, not lifting it to look him in the eye.

"How do you feel?" He asked. I nodded my head. 

"How do you feel Emily?" I nodded my head, refusing to lift it to face him,

"Emily, how are you?" He asked again. I lifted my head in confusion, what answer was he looking for, I already said I was fine, why else is he dragging the question, 

"How are you doing, Emily?" 

"What am I supposed to say," i spoke up, ny voice cracking, more like squeaking, I could barely hear myself, 

"I need an honest answer from you. " he said. 

"Are you married?" I asked. I noticed his expression, he seemed taken aback by the question, he shook his head, 

"Are you a disappointment to anyone?" I asked him again, he shook his head.

"Have you ever been depressed?" I asked him, his reply remained the same. 

"Have you ever been driven to the point of wanting to commit suicide?" He didn't give a reply. 

"Books, degrees , studying all night in med school can never make you understand what I'm going through, and give an excellent advice. I think I'm done here."

The next day, I was back at his office again, but this time, he took the lead, not givinf me any chance to cut him off. 

"Yesterday, you asked some very disturbing questions, I didn't know what answer to give. You're not wrong when you say an inexperienced person can't give the best advice, I'm not inexperienced. You didn't let me answer you yesterday, I have committed suicide before. I jumped off the bridge, how I survived, it's only a miracle. 

I just need your honesty, tell me exactly how you feel."

"Empty. Dark. Broken. Lost. Damaged. Hurt."

"What led to your drastic decision?"he asked. How do I answer that, my mom spat a few venomous words at me and I lost it and decided to take my own life. 

"Take your time. As long as you need. " he added. I stared at the walls in the office to the artifacts and wall paintings. 

"I'm ready now." I told him, feeling a bit comfortable. 

"Start with whatever you want to start with, wherever you want to start it. " 

"I'm useless."

"Who said that? Did anyone tell you that from school?" Shook her head immediately. 

"My mom. My dad. My friends. Basically, anyone who has come in contact with me. They think I'm dumb, useless, a disappointment, and I see reason as to why they say so. I'm the worst friend, I've been the worst girlfriend, for breaking up with him, when he genuinely loved me.  I'm a big time loser, always at the bottom in alk tests and school work, I've lost my value, my reputation is at its lowest. I have no idea why I was saved but being left for dead seems a lot more better to me."